The child does not obey for 8 years what to do. Doctor Komarovsky on what to do if the child does not obey the parents. What a child should be able to do

Eight-year-old children are already schoolchildren, but they are still in a transitional period. At this time, they are going through their second crisis of personality formation, which is accompanied by tantrums, aggressive behavior, the first deception and disobedience. This is a very important stage in which parents need to help their children to get through all the difficulties, without being withdrawn in themselves and not moving away from the family.

Causes of child aggression

What to do if an 8-year-old child develops aggression? How to deal with this behavior and should it be fought?

The essence of offensive behavior. This behavior is sudden, like an attack, is not structured and brings discomfort to both the attacking schoolchild and the "injured" adult.

The causes of aggression range from physical illness to the psychological climate in the family.

It is very important to respond correctly to the child's aggression shown. There are two options for the reaction - to be condescending, calmly explain to your child what he is wrong about, and analyze the reason for his antics, or be strict. The second option should be used in case of completely inappropriate behavior. At the same time, you cannot become aggressive yourself. This will form the wrong model of behavior in the son or daughter, which he will endure from family to life.

What if the child is often hysterical?

Hysterical behavior can manifest itself in children through screaming, screaming, and tears. For parents, hysteria is always a signal that their child is tired and needs rest. The main thing is to respond correctly to the first tantrums so that such behavior does not become a habit with the baby. When the child is in an agitated state, the main thing for parents is to remain calm, in this the baby will see their strength and realize his wrong behavior.

If the parents do not react at all to the hysterical behavior of the student, it may become more regular - it is important for the baby to attract the attention of dad and mom.

If adults choose the simplest way to end hysterics - they fulfill any child's desire, then very soon the student will begin to manipulate his loved ones with such behavior.

Naughty child 8 years old: what should parents do?

Usually naughty children are hyperactive, difficult to keep track of, and need vigilant supervision. At the age of 8, schoolchildren are experiencing a second age crisis and it is important to understand that this is a stage in personality development and one must be able to condescendingly treat disobedience. In order to somehow limit the scope of the baby's behavior, it is advisable to establish clear procedures for life, daily routine and family rituals. Entrust your child with some small tasks that seem important to him so that he can feel like an adult and responsible. These measures are usually very effective.

How to solve the problem of child deception?

If you understand that the child began to deceive you often, you need to think about why he does it. Some kind of disharmony has definitely appeared in his world, and it is important to eliminate its cause. Do not shout at your child, try to kindly find out what the problem is, show the baby that he can trust you. Create an environment in which your daughter or son will not be afraid to tell the truth. Perhaps before that you used too harsh punishments, then they need to be reconsidered.

Very often, children of this age cheat for no reason, they simply pass off their fantasies as reality. In this case, he is in no hurry to punish the student, direct his imagination in the right direction. For example, start writing down children's stories.

How to respond to child theft?

Confusion, panic and a desire to punish are the first things that happen to parents who find out that their baby has appropriated someone else's thing.

Remember that you should not call your child a thief, do not compare him with other children, do not discuss his theft with strangers in front of him, do not threaten the student. Explain that stealing is bad. It can lead to the loss of friends, and it is very frustrating for you. There is no need to shout, but it is important to clearly demonstrate that you have to pay for other people's things. Firstly, the stolen thing must be given, and secondly, the student must be assigned a detention, so that he realizes that things are paid for work and other people's things cannot be touched without permission.

The question of why an 8-year-old child does not obey worries many parents. The answer to this question is simple: your child is going through another age crisis. And no matter how much parents prepare themselves for this moment, not everyone succeeds in understanding their children. Faced with a complete misunderstanding of mom and dad, the child begins to be rude and swear, indignant for any reason, does not respond to the parents' comments and, as a result, completely ceases to obey. Sometimes it happens that children commit their "harmfulness" on purpose. However, considerate parents will always feel the difference in their child's behavior and will try to improve relationships with him.

If your child is eight years old, this does not mean that the crisis will end immediately after your child turns 8 years old. In fact, a crisis of preschool or primary school age is usually considered to be the period from 5 to. When it starts and ends in your baby is unknown, as it depends on many factors.

School is one of the reasons that can trigger a crisis. Parents should take into account that the child has to follow different rules at school than at home and to study on a schedule. At the same time, in the classroom, the child can behave without complaints and remarks from the teacher, but, having come home, become completely uncontrollable. This behavior will not go unnoticed by parents.

Positive symptoms

You will notice the changes in behavior immediately. However, they can be not only negative, but also positive. With positive aspects in the behavior of the child, parents usually do not have difficulties: they will always praise, help, support, encourage. The main thing is to notice all the advantages and not ignore them.

Determination. Your child can take responsibility for doing something homework and will carry out it without prompting and in a timely manner. How long will he have enough aspirations, time will tell. However, do not forget to praise him.
Curiosity. Your child will begin to show interest in something that has not previously attracted him (for example, biology or space). A new hobby may appear. This suggests that the baby is developing, expanding his horizons. Offer your help in finding the information that interests him. Your child will be pleased with your participation. In addition, being together will help you understand each other faster.
Repetition for adults. During this period, you may notice that the child copies your actions, statements, habits. He tries to be an adult, to talk about his actions and worries. Help him, teach him to reason logically, draw conclusions, analyze his behavior.
Appearance. Particular interest in outward appearance appears in both girls and u. Children always want to appear older than their age. Do not suppress this desire: allow your child to experiment a little. He will feel on an equal footing with you and will listen to advice.

Notice and reinforce good changes in your child's behavior. And then he will trust you more, argue less and surprise you with his obedience.

Negative symptoms

But what to do with the manifestation of negative signs? When a child stops giving in to control, parents most often try to call him to order, talk long and tediously about his mistakes, scold and punish. However, the child usually does not even try to delve into what the adults are saying. Therefore, it is important to know how to behave in such cases.

Negative symptoms:

Everything that is simple for an adult is incomprehensible to a child. He expresses his disagreement with absolutely any statement of the parents.
Denial - refusal for every offer, request, order.
Inaccessibility - lack of response to parental requests.
Obstinacy. The child insists on his own, continuing the argument, although the question, in the opinion of mom and dad, has long been settled.
Disobedience. Ignoring duties, the performance of which did not cause problems before.
Cunning.
Demandingness. The schoolboy persistently and endlessly reminds his parents of what they once promised him.
Capriciousness is a manifestation inherent in children of an earlier age, but sometimes it is also typical for schoolchildren of 7-8 years old.
Painful reactions to criticism are rare. At such moments, the child is offended, may cry or get rude.

What to do?

Parents need to remember that disobedience does not mean that your child wants to deliberately do something to spite or harm you.

Rules for parents:

Do not fall for provocation. The child's behavior often causes a wave of negativity from the parents. But you shouldn't be “scattered” ahead of time. Try to figure out the problem. Shouting and condemnation will only lead to the fact that the crisis will drag on, and the child will become even more distant from you.
If the child does not respond to your request and stubbornly refuses to follow the instructions, back off. After a while, most likely, he will do everything, but it will look like an independent decision: he did it himself, and not at the direction of his mother.
Help your child face the result of his disobedience. Didn't come to the table on time - let him eat when he wants. Only to warm up the food, and then he will have to clear the table without parental help.
One of important rules for parents is that you need to talk to your child like an adult. Explain that he has become older and remind of responsibility for his actions.
If a child has taken over the housework, you should not make it a responsibility. The child will begin to perceive an independently chosen activity as an order and will certainly want to violate it.
Establish certain rules in the home that parents must also follow. Only then will your child understand that rules are not coercion.
When a child talks about his actions or worries, constantly talks about the same situation, help him. Take his problem together. So he will learn to analyze and develop the ability to self-criticize. Sometimes a child does not obey just because he cannot express his opinion on his own.

IF THE CHILD DOESN'T LISTEN: 8 RECEPTIONS

The child does not obey. Unwilling to get dressed, putting away his toys, pulling homework or coming back later than you said. At the same time, she does not behave in the best way: she screams and cries, or, "being overwhelmed", refuses to talk to you ...

What to do? Of course, I would like to react in such a way that the child “forgot” about the whims, did as an adult needs, and at the same time everyone would be happy. But the child is not a puppet. While the adult retains the lead, in many cases the child should have a voice. It seems that good result it would be the child's deliberate fulfillment of what seems so important to you. And, of course, maintaining a positive relationship between you!

Method # 1: TALKING ABOUT A CHILD'S FEELINGS

Perhaps the main and first thing to do in such a situation is to name the child's feelings. American authors Faber and Mazlish wrote about this in their books: "Children can help themselves if someone is ready to listen to them and empathize with them." Just name the feeling that you think the child is experiencing. If you are wrong, he will correct you! But recognition of feelings is the first step to cooperation.
Say, for example: "It's a shame to break away from an interesting game in order to go to eat (sleep)." Or: "Sometimes I still want to relax and take a walk with friends!"
If you recognized and named the child's feelings, this does not mean that after that you should allow him not to eat porridge, not to put away toys, not to do homework, etc. Recognition of feelings is only a stage, but an important stage that sets you both up for cooperation.

Method # 2: DISTRACTION

This method only works well with very young children, and is best at 1.5-2.5 years old. Then it can also be used, but it is no longer the main one. If the baby is crying and stubbornly refuses to do something, then you can try to switch his attention to something else. Look out the window at birds or cars, start doing something very interesting in front of him, cheerfully recite a poem, show something very attractive ... There are a lot of options. After the baby calms down, you can return to the situation that led to the disobedience. There are very many chances that now the baby will not be so stubborn.

Method number 3: LET'S DO IT TOGETHER!

This is also a method for small children, it works well up to 4-5 years old. Do you want to do something? Let your favorite doll or bear do it with you! Together you can eat porridge, dress in the kindergarten, go to the bathroom, and go to bed. Children are very fond of "live" toys-gloves, put on the parent's hand. So you can arrange a whole performance and with pleasure do what was the subject of the dispute. Play is a natural state for a preschooler, and this technique immediately switches the situation.
The most important thing is that the conflict atmosphere disappears, the confrontation and the child and parents begin to cooperate. But it's worth noting that this technique stops working if you use it too often. The child begins to suspect that he is being manipulated through play. And also it should be remembered that even a preschooler needs to form reasonable, deliberate obedience. Therefore, game methods can and should be used, but in combination with the rest.

Method # 4: GIVE A CHOICE!

This method works from a very young age and, perhaps, does not lose its relevance. Instead of making a direct demand ("Come on, for the lessons, and without talking!"), Give your child a choice! "Do you expect to start doing your homework now or in half an hour?" Note that you are not questioning whether you need to go to the garden or complete assignments. You allow the child to choose a way to do something that is not discussed. As the child grows up, you need to give him the opportunity to outline the options from which he can choose.

Method number 5: DELAY, OR "TIME-OUT"

This method consists in the fact that you "postpone" the situation for a while. It is far from always applicable - it is not suitable if the situation requires a quick response. But sometimes your argument with your child concerns issues that may arise only in the future or are "worldview". For example, he demands that he be allowed to play more on the computer or return home later. Or insists that he will walk alone. Or he demands to eat not 3, but 5 candies a day.
In other words, we are talking about disputes that can not be resolved this minute. If you realize that you are not being able to convince the child that you are right, or are beginning to doubt your original point of view, invite the child to take a "time out." Say that you need to think it over and you will talk about it later (name when). And don't forget your promise!

Method # 6: persuasion and discussion

There are situations in which parents find it especially important for the child to do this and not otherwise. They relate to issues of safety, as well as the observance of the norms of moral behavior. Typically, these conversations occur after an episode of the child's “wrong” behavior that he does not want to admit.
Persuasion is not yet a requirement. Persuasion is a way to convey to a child his own point of view on a situation, to explain why it is necessary to act this way. Why do you need to stand when the red light is on, and in no case pull out your hand. Why you need to go to the table when the whole family is already assembled. Why you can't go with a stranger who promised to show you little puppies. Why why why…
But long monologues of adults that do not involve the active participation of the child are very ineffective. It is good when an adult not only tries to convince the child, but also discusses the situation with him. To discuss is to engage in dialogue. Discussing means encouraging the child to think about the situation and find several ways to behave in it himself.

Method number 7: REQUIREMENT

There are situations where a strict, uncompromising requirement applies. Distractions, persuasion, and persuasion are unlikely to work if your child is playing with matches or playing on the edge of a cliff. As in a situation when it occurred to him to tickle the guests' feet under the table or shout something out at a performance in the theater.
First you need to stop the "disgrace" with all the severity, and only then conduct conversations. You briefly state the demand ("Stop ..." or "Do ...") and, if there is time, give an extremely brief explanation - why: "It is dangerous to play with matches (to indulge at the cliff)."
The requirements, of course, should not be overused. But they are also used not so rarely, and the younger the child, the more often it is. After all, the circle dangerous situations for him is not yet outlined, which means that the adult really "knows better." And only after the dangerous or embarrassing situation has been overcome, you need to discuss it.

Method number 8: IT DOES NOT WORK FOR ME!

The child uses open protest, tantrums, whining, disputes as a means so that he is still allowed what he wants, or not forced to do what he does not want. In this way, the child sometimes resorts to manipulating you.
With practice, it is quite possible to distinguish between sincere offended crying and manipulative crying "look-how-I'm-unhappy." In the second case, you need to tell the child that his techniques do not work for you and your opinion remains unchanged. And the main thing is to be consistent: it was not allowed, so it was not allowed; insist on your own, so to the end. Otherwise, you risk becoming victims of childish manipulations for a long time, when he will be the "leader" and you are the "led".

Few parents can boast that they have a good kid. Most moms and dads face a daredevil, always getting into some kind of trouble, always ready for pranks and constantly rebelling. The most paradoxical is that such behavior is a reflection of the behavioral reactions of adults. The child observes, absorbs, and imitates you - therefore, your copy grows.

The peak of parental complaints about disobedience of children falls on the age of 5-7 years (we recommend reading :). A sweet and affectionate baby disappears somewhere by this age, and a destructive catastrophe appears before adults in the guise of a daughter or son. The question of what to do if the child does not obey anyone is formed by itself. The answer of psychologists is always the same: "Take care of the upbringing of the baby, starting from 1 year."

Most parents cannot boast that the child grows obedient and always does what they tell him.

What is the “age of disobedience”?

Each child is a separate world, developing according to its own laws. No one - neither mother nor doctors, will be able to give an exact answer when the baby comes to a turning point and the angel turns into a little imp. One already at 2 years old performs colorful tantrums, the other and at 4-5 years old did not learn to achieve what he wanted in this way. The formation of behavior goes to the accompaniment of the yard, family, kindergarten.

Psychologists insist that by the age of 2, the integrity of the child's personality begins to take shape. Having reached the 3rd birthday, the baby has already acquired his own “I” and continues to improve it, drawing bricks from his own environment. The moment of the crisis of three-year-olds is coming, which should not be missed by the parents, otherwise it will be very difficult to fix what has been missed. During this period, carefully monitor the crumbs, direct and stop in time.

Children 6-7 years old are well versed in what is "good" and what is "bad". They know how to be at home and in public, in educational institutions however, parents and teachers are often faced with the flaunting disobedience of first graders. The child does not obey, snaps, is rude, does nasty things on purpose, in opposition to someone or something - this is what should be taken as a starting point.

Experts talk about the 7-year-old crisis. Why is this happening? Getting to school, kids are faced with new rules and requirements. This turn makes them rethink their previous life. In kindergarten, the kid was praised and said that he was already quite an adult, and at school the first grader hears that he is still small. A sharp metamorphosis of the feeling of oneself in the world explodes the psyche of a small personality. Such a change is more difficult for those who did not go to kindergarten. At home, the baby did not face a strict schedule of classes and rest, he was surrounded by close, familiar people. Naturally, getting into an unfamiliar environment with strict rules, the baby resists the circumstances.

It is far from always that a child at school becomes a successful excellent student - adaptation can take place and it is quite difficult

How does a difficult child grow up?

Asking yourself the question of why the child does not obey, freaks out and hysteria, look a little deeper to understand where this came from in him (we recommend reading :). Pay your gaze to yourself, because the baby is a great imitator who takes all the information from your words and actions. Analysis of situations that contribute to the transformation of a cute angel into an uncontrollable whim and a darling will help to improve understanding. If the child does not obey, then:

The family does not use pedagogical principles in his upbringing. For example, the inconsistency of permissive and prohibitive actions of parents. Today at mom or dad good mood and adults do not notice that the kid is watching his favorite cartoons until 11 pm. Tomorrow everything has changed, dad is upset or anxious about something, the baby is sent to bed at 9 pm.
The principles of raising mom and dad are fundamentally different. Hence it turns out that the child does not obey. If mom allows him to sit longer in front of the TV, and dad shouts that it's time to go to bed, the baby finds himself in a situation of lack of clear norms of behavior. The child does not know whom to listen to, seeing the disunity in the demands of adults.
Close people are condescending to the tantrums and whims of the "small". Remember - the child does not obey you, because you indulge his disobedience. Children tend to behave at the level of instincts and reflexes. Realizing that screaming, crying, hysterics can quickly achieve what you want, the baby will reinforce this behavior. As soon as you stop paying attention to his violent attacks, the home "tyrant" will gradually stop hysteria and yelling.

Let's note an important observation: children never act up in front of the TV, playing with their favorite doll or car, in front of strangers. The little tyrant knows perfectly well who his "concerts" are for, and who cares nothing about them. If a child at 2 years old does not obey, throws tantrums, the situation can still be corrected. Time has passed, and a 5-year-old child does not obey - you will have to live with his whims for a long time, which will exhaust the nerves of both you and your offspring.

The child knows perfectly well which of the relatives it makes sense to throw tantrums

How to stop childish tantrums?

Considering that it is unbearably difficult to make a capricious and hysterical baby obey, many give up. A common mistake, and a simple pedagogical technique has long been developed. Of course, to make sense, you will have to work hard, but you want your disobedient child to turn into an obedient and well-mannered person. Please note - the sooner you try this technique, the faster you will achieve positive result.

What do parents usually do? Seeing that the baby is hysterical or choking on tears, the mother is ready to fulfill any of his demands. Mothers, as a rule, try to calm the baby down, promising even more than the son or daughter asks, so long as their treasure does not hit the floor with a bad head (we recommend reading :). An old familiar scheme, but does it work? The child calms down only for a while, until the next desire.

A new pedagogical trick will help you remove unwanted actions. We saw that the child does not obey, deliberately yells and cries - smile and leave the room, but stay in sight so that he understands that you see and hear everything. Notice the end of the hysteria - come back and smile at him again. If the child does not obey, starts yelling and crying again, repeat the maneuver, leave the room. Calmed down - come back, hug, kiss.

How to recognize real and perceived grief?

Apply the new scheme to crying and screaming associated with his whims. A toddler may cry, frightened by the dog, or from pain, or grief from a broken toy, if other children have hurt him. This behavior is absolutely adequate. Here you really need to feel sorry for the baby at the moment when the baby is upset. As for the "feigned" emotions, applying the method described above, you will gradually achieve that your treasure will forget about its "quirks".

Dr. Komarovsky, well-known to mothers, claims that a child develops a persistent reflex when the technique is used: "I yell - I am not interesting to anyone, I am silent - they love and hear me." It is important for parents to hold out in this state for 2-3 days so that the baby learns the lesson and turns into an obedient child. If you don't have enough patience, you will have to start all over again, or continue to endure his whims.

If a child realizes that in a “quiet” calm state he is also loved and interesting, the meaning of throwing tantrums is simply lost

Reasonable "no" as the basis of education

The educational process cannot be imagined without prohibitions. If adults misuse words such as "no" or "no", there will be no sense in prohibitions. Studies have shown that in families where prohibitive words are used for any reason, or are not present at all in the upbringing of a child, “difficult children” appear. It is necessary to learn how to correctly apply "no", since the further behavior of the offspring depends on the time said the first "no".

An adequate reaction of the baby to the ban is also important. For example, your son has accelerated on a bicycle and drove up to the carriageway, your "no" should make him stop abruptly. Understanding how a simple "no" can save a child's life, you need to know how to use it wisely. Follow these rules:

Use the word "no" only to the point. These can be situations related to the safety of the child himself or prohibitions that are part of the norm of behavior (you cannot throw garbage anywhere, call other children names, fight).
The ban is not limited. Your treasure suffers from an allergy to milk protein, which means that he can't get ice cream, even if the child was obedient and got an A at school.
Having established prohibitions on some actions or actions, be sure to explain to the child why you are doing this, but never discuss the very right to the established prohibition.
Work together. It's bad if daddy's "no" is opposed to mom's "yes." The same requirement applies to other close relatives.
Your family's bans should be supported by all your relatives with whom your 2-4 year old child communicates. Try not to allow a situation when you cannot eat sweets at night, but you can visit your grandmother.

Prohibitions should be a serious argument for a child, so you should not use them for little things.

What if all else fails?

Let's turn to the advice of Dr. Komarovsky. Famous pediatrician advises parents who want to educate adequate person, behave in a principled and consistent manner. Keep calm with children's whims and tantrums. Be adamant about your baby's behavior. A little time will pass and you will see how your nervous baby has stopped his inappropriate attacks. The doctor recommends remembering that not getting what he wants through crying and screaming, the little man stops doing it.

If, acting correctly, without giving a reaction to the child's nervous outbursts, you see that the method does not work, the problem lies deeper. The child must be shown to a psychologist or neurologist. Perhaps the root of all evil lies in the medical field. Certain neurological diseases can cause this behavior. Specialists will examine the child and find out how you can help him. Timely treatment will correct the situation with inappropriate behavior.

Basic principles of competent education

How to raise an obedient child, adequate and reasonable? It’s not so difficult if you adhere to the basic principles of parenting. Parents should behave as required of the baby. The main thing is your own positive example. You cannot be led, you need to tell your treasure in detail why and why you made some kind of decision related to the prohibition or condemnation of an act.

Praise and explanations

Praise for good behavior should come from parents as often as blame for bad behavior. Many dads and moms forget about it, take good behavior for granted, but explode with angry tirades when bad. If a child does not obey, this does not mean that he has a bad character. The kid, to the best of his ability, builds a model of behavior, focusing on parents and other family members. Praise your son or daughter more often, then the baby will try to behave in such a way as to please you and hear affectionate words addressed to him.
It is impossible to judge a kid for whims by switching to personal accusations. The task of parents is to condemn the committed act. For example: the boy Kolya plays with other children on the playground, pushes them, takes away toys, calls names, interferes. Naturally, adults say that Kolya is bad, greedy, angry. Such condemnation refers to the personality of the boy, not to his actions. If you constantly throw these words, the boy will get used to them and will consider himself bad. It is necessary to scold correctly. Tell him he's good. Ask why you did something wrong, punish it for the misdemeanor.
Any requirements for the baby should not go beyond reasonable.

What is the right way to punish?

The postponement of punishment is a gross pedagogical mistake. Having deprived a three-year-old crumbs of evening cartoons for what he did in the morning, you will baffle him. The baby's consciousness is not able to connect such a time gap into a single whole, he simply does not understand what he was punished for.
When punishing your child, keep calm, talk to him quietly, without yelling. Psychologists say that even an adult hears better when they speak to him without yelling, all the more important it is in communicating with a child. There is a risk of just scaring the baby, not fixing the situation.

Punishment should not be based on emotions and brute force, otherwise the child will grow up withdrawn and aggressive

When trying to talk to your son or daughter at a time when the child is not listening, watch your way of speaking. Think about how you would react if you were yelled at and accused with bad words.
When speaking and explaining, you must be sure that your treasure understands you. Find ways to communicate your requirements to the child based on his or her personality. Simply put, look for an effective approach to the small person.

The power of personal example

No matter how much you explain to the baby how to do the right thing, you can only achieve understanding by personal example. Show him the right action, encouraging him to do the same. Educate by example, which will work more effectively than a lot of spoken words. Become a positive model for your child, then a good person will grow out of him.
When analyzing a bad or unwanted act, convey to the baby the consequences of his actions. For example, when a baby is throwing toys out of bed, do not pick them up. Left without toys, the fastidious will understand what his act led to. For older children who commit more serious tricks, offer to trace the entire chain of negativity that will reach for their "feat".
Be prepared to reconsider your final decision, especially when debriefing with naughty children 8-10 years old and older. Listen to the arguments of your 12-year-old son or daughter, let him explain why he did this. Perhaps his explanations will change your decision, do not be alarmed by this, because you must personify justice itself for him. Show the little person that you respect him, that you are willing to accept reasonable arguments.

The difficulties of upbringing are overcome more easily if you stand in the position not of the child's opponent, but of his wise ally. Learn to talk to your offspring, value his opinion, respect personal qualities. Guide wisely and fairly. Build on good behavior from an early age so you don't face bad behavior later. Serve as a worthy example for your child and you will succeed.

As you know, a person is formed in childhood, from where habits, habits, character are subsequently transferred into adulthood, influencing the state of his life. The formation and formation of a personality is always a difficult process, which is necessarily accompanied by a protest from the side of the child. Disobedience is often a form of child protest. In such situations or even periods, many parents do not know how to behave correctly. As a result, there is a lack of understanding between generations, which is growing more and more each time. To avoid such tragic consequences, it is advisable for parents to understand the reason for the child's disobedience. After all, the solution to any problem lies in its origins.

Does the kid not want to dress in any? Doesn't he flatly refuse to wash his hands before eating? When you speak: "No"- throws things and gets angry. Pulls the cat by the tail after what you said it hurts. Licks the handrails on the bus. And then your patience ends. You have already gone over the entire arsenal: banned, joked, distracted - nothing helps. What to do when the child behaves unbearably and does not obey ...

Reasons for child disobedience

The main factors that can provoke a child into disobedience include:

1. Age crisis

In psychological practice, there are several periods of the age crisis: year, preschool, adolescence / transitional age.

Time frames can be set individually. However, it is with the onset of age-related crises that significant changes take place in the child's life. For example, in a year he begins to walk actively, learns independence and learns the world with interest. Parents, for reasons of child safety, introduce various restrictions into the fun process, thus provoking a protest from the child.

We also read: How to properly go through the crisis periods of childhood and adolescence and foster confidence and independence in a child.

2. A large number of requirements and restrictions

Restrictions and prohibitions are of maximum benefit only in moderation. When everything is always forbidden to a child, he begins to rebel. If very often the child hears “CANNOT”, this causes him to protest and disobedience. For the experiment, you can count the number of said word "no" for an hour or a whole day. If the indicators go off scale, then it makes sense to extend the restrictions only to those actions of the child that can be potentially dangerous for him: playing on the road, pampering with medicines or electrical appliances. But do not constantly prohibit the baby to play noisily, run or even throw toys.

3. Lack of parental consistency

When parents turn a blind eye to the little pranks of children, the children consider this behavior to be normal. But if you suddenly have a headache, for example, some troubles and problems at work, had a hard day, stressful situations, lost your mood - the parents punish the child for behavior that was always considered “normal”. Then the child is at a loss, there is a conflict arising from a misunderstanding of the reason for the punishment. With the regular repetition of such situations, internal conflict begins to be expressed in disobedience.

4. Permissiveness

In this case, all restrictions and prohibitions have been removed, and the child is absolutely free in his actions and words. Parents are happy, because everything is allowed to the child, every whim is satisfied and the child has a “happy childhood”. But this idyll continues until a certain moment when it becomes clear that the child is uncontrollable. Then all attempts to instill in him the norms of a correct and respectful attitude are reduced to his disobedience, because the child is already spoiled.

5. Inconsistency of words and deeds

On a subconscious level, children always repeat the behavior of their parents, the features of which can be the main reason for child disobedience, because it is hidden precisely in the peculiarities of the behavior of the parents. A vivid example is the lack of fulfillment of promises, in particular, punishments, which results in ignoring parental words due to a frivolous attitude towards them. Or you can promise to reward your child for good behavior, but you don't keep your promises. So why then listen to you, because you will deceive anyway.

6. Different requirements of family members

When one of the parents makes high demands on the child, and the other slowly pity and pamper him, one of them loses authority in the children's eyes, which is expressed in a lack of obedience. Such a conflict is typical between parents (mom and dad: for example, dad makes more severe demands on the child, and mom secretly regrets and sympathizes with the baby, pampers him. Or, on the contrary, you need to obey your mother, she will always protect, but your father is not obligatory. In any case, a compassionate mother will intercede before this tyrant.) And grandparents, for the latter of whom it is common to pamper their beloved grandchildren and then parents suffer.

7. Lack of respect for the child

In this case, disobedience is rather a protest against injustice and your disrespect. With the unwillingness of parents to listen and hear their child, as well as their full confidence that the child should not have their own opinion, a protest arises from the child's side. It is important to remember that a child is a person, and he always has an opinion about everything in the world, even the most insignificant. In this case, at least, you need to pay attention to this.

8. Frequent family conflicts, divorce

Many parents, in finding out their attitude and solving various problems, forget to pay enough attention to the child. As a rule, the switch to the child occurs due to his leprosy and pranks only in order to punish, after which the baby again fades into the background. Over time, this all leads to childish disobedience as a way to attract attention.

As far as divorce is concerned, it is very stressful for every child. The realization comes that now communication with parents will take place separately. Then the child begins to practice a defiant demeanor, because when he does something, the parents can temporarily combine their educational efforts, just what he needs.

Video consultation: What to do when the child does not obey

The teacher of the Voronezh Waldorf school "Rainbow", the 7th grade teacher Anastasia Vladimirovna Eliseeva answers the parents' questions.

How to achieve obedience

Whatever the reason for the child's disobedience, it is important to combat it. Namely:

Correlate the number of punishments and praises: for a serious offense, the child must necessarily be punished, but also do not forget about praise.
Watch how you express your prohibition and how you react to the child's misconduct. Shouting and categoricalness is more correct to replace with a calm tone. At the same time, you should not be ashamed of your feelings, frankly telling the child what exactly and to what extent upsets. "Son, I'm so upset about your behavior."- believe me, the child will behave in a completely different way.
Use alternative ways to draw children's attention to your words. When a child is very passionate about something, it can be difficult to get him to switch to something else. Alternatively, you can address him in a whisper (also use facial expressions and gestures). The child will immediately notice the change in the volume of speech and will begin to listen - what happened.
Do not voice your requests over and over again. , because the child will get used to repeated repetitions, and the reaction on his part will begin only after the repetition, followed by the punishment. To avoid this, it is advisable to develop a specific algorithm of actions: the first warning should be aimed at encouraging the child to stop acting without punishment; second - if he ignored the remark, punishment should follow; after the punishment, it is important to explain to the child the reason why he was punished. With strict adherence to this algorithm, the child's subconscious will begin to react to the first remark made.
When communicating with a child, you must stop using the "NOT" particle: Often in response to your requests: “Don't run”, “don't jump”, “don't shout” the child does the opposite. Do not think and do not worry about what your child does to spite you, just the human psyche, and especially the child's, is designed in such a way that phrases with a negative semantic color are omitted when perceived. For this reason, it is advisable to replace the negative particle with alternative phrases.
When the child is protesting in the form of a tantrum, try to calm down and not pay attention to it. When the child has calmed down, you should once again explain your request or requirements, using a calm tone. A great option is a red herring, when the child's attention is switched to a more entertaining activity or subject. For example, a child expresses a desire to eat independently, but all his attempts end in failure, since most of the food ends up on the floor. When adults try to feed the baby, protests, tantrums and disobedience begin. Then you can switch the child's attention to the doll that the child must feed. He will surely like this idea. And at this time it becomes possible to feed the baby.
You must always follow the consistency in words, actions, demands and deeds. In the event of the slightest discrepancy, the child will cease to obey, but not out of harm as it may seem, but his confusion will become the cause of disobedience. To achieve the most positive result, all family members must agree on a sequence.
Give your child sufficient attention despite being busy and having various problems. In this case, we are not talking about the amount of time spent together. Its quality is important. Even half an hour of interesting time together with your child cannot be compared with a whole day of unproductive communication.
Be sympathetic to childhood maturation. It is the period of growing up that is most often the reason for disobedience. Often, under the influence of friends, a growing teenager shows his “cool”. Thus, the child tries to express himself and prove his independence. Here it is important to choose the right approach to the child, without losing authority and trust in his eyes.
If a child's trust and respect is lost, efforts should be made to regain it. There is no need to get into the soul of a child, it is enough to show interest in his life. It may turn out that the music he listens to is not as terrible as it seems, and modern literature can also have a deep philosophical meaning. In the process of communication, it will become clear that there are many topics of conversation where tastes and opinions converge.

Consultation by Yana Kataeva (specialist in relation to the family after the birth of children): what to do if the child does not obey - 5 tips for parents. Strengthen bond with your child

How to re-establish contact with a child

Continuing the theme of parental rapprochement with a child, several important points, thanks to which mutual mental and emotional contact with the child becomes possible:

An important role in children's obedience is a relationship of trust, the result of which is the child's understanding that parents are still better at coping with problems. The advantage of such a relationship, in contrast to unconditional obedience, is the ability of the baby to ask questions of interest to him without fear of angering the parents. Parents, in turn, should ask counter questions, making it clear that the problem can be solved in several ways: “What do you think is the best thing to do? Can I count on your help? May I ask you to do this? ”.
If you want to ask your child about an important request, you should not forget about physical contact with him: you can hug him, kiss him, stroke him. It will be better than repeatedly shouting your request to him across the room. Through touching, the child realizes a mutual interest in fulfilling the request. This is the way to say: “We are together, and this is the main thing. What I tell you will not break our contact. I only hope to strengthen it. The most important thing is the relationship, not the desire of each of us. ”
It is equally important to observe the confidential eye contact with a child. In the presence of sharp movements and a stern gaze, the child begins to defend himself in the subconscious, perceiving any request as a threat and a desire to exert on him psychological pressure, and the request to fulfill something will be perceived as an ultimatum.
If you want your child to constantly and obediently fulfill your requests, it is extremely important to thank him for the next completed task or service rendered. Gratitude will strengthen the child's faith that they are loved and that it is up to them to improve their relationship. Moral, psychological encouragement is valued by children much more than candy. Thus, an incentive to work will be developed. We also read:
The child must understand that in especially urgent cases, when there is a threat to the safety of the family, all its members must obey the elder without question. For this, the baby must be aware of possible problems... He should delicately explain that strict adherence to the rules is the basis for saving lives and health of people. In this case, we can mention the possibility of negotiating with parents. It will not be superfluous if the child is convinced of the readiness of the parents to obey him in special cases.

Situations

Any theory should always be supported by practice. In this case, for clarity and a kind of "practical guide" for parents, it makes sense to consider and analyze the following situations:

Situation 1. What age is most characteristic of child disobedience? When is the so-called starting point expected? Is disobedience typical for a one-year-old child?

In this case, everything is purely individual, and “reference points” for everyone can begin at a different age period. Kids can throw tantrums at 2 years old, or at 5 years old they may not know that there is such a way to get their way. The environment and the people around the baby have a great influence. He may begin to imitate a cartoon character or a peer who orders tantrums from his parents, after which he will experiment on his own. In such a situation, the main rule is not to indulge in whims. Otherwise, this behavior will become a habit in the child.

It is a different matter when disobedience manifests itself in the validity of the baby's demands. For example, he expresses a desire to dress, put on shoes or eat on his own. As a result of the fact that he is not allowed to do this, the child begins to become hysterical. And in this he is right. But if the hysterics has already begun, then he is right or not - all the same, show firmness, he will have to come to terms with the fact that nothing can be achieved by crying and crying. And you draw a conclusion for the future and do not provoke more similar situations.

Situation 2. Disobedience and behavior problems can occur in children 2 years of age. What is the reason for disobedience at this age? Why does the child not respond to requests from adults? And what to do in such cases?

According to experts, it is at the age of 2 that a personality begins to form in children, and by the age of 3 it is already almost fully formed. For this reason, at this age, as mentioned above, one should not indulge in children's whims, otherwise it will be too late later.

It is also worth considering that the same child may behave differently with different caregivers. It's all about the correct presentation and communication with the baby. Perhaps you have noticed this in your family - the child does not obey the mother, and the navel - unquestioningly.

Situation 3. Most often, the peak of disobedience occurs at the age of 2-4 and manifests itself in frequent or even regular tantrums. What is the right thing to do if a child of 2-4 years old does not obey?

This age period in children is marked by testing their parents for strength and "probing" the boundaries of what is permissible. It is especially important to have patience and perseverance here. To miss this period in upbringing means to doom yourself to big problems in the future with character, obedience, and family relationships, in general.

You can also practice soulful conversations with a child who, at this age, becomes reasonably intelligent and understanding. Talk to your child, become an authority for him, not just a parent.

Situation 4. At the age of 6-7 years, the child already knows the value of his actions, distinguishing between good and bad behavior, how one can behave and how not. However, even at this age, some children show disobedience, only deliberately “for evil”. What are the recommendations for this age?

7 years is a kind of milestone, one of the turning points in a child's life, when he begins to rethink and change his life views. And this is due to the beginning of the school period, when certain loads and requirements begin. In this situation, praise is the best parenting tactic. Moreover, warm words must be spoken even about insignificant moments. It is praise that will become a powerful incentive for which the child will try.

Situation 5. A naughty child knows very well the reaction to his misdeeds of all family members. You can often face a lack of understanding between them, when one parent scolds and punishes, and the other regrets or cancels the punishment. How should the correct upbringing in the family be built? How to achieve unanimous resolution of conflicts?

The main thing that all family members must understand is that the child turns all the disagreements in his favor. It is important to avoid such situations as there is a high likelihood of loss of credibility. The child's knowledge of the reactions of all family members allows him to manipulate them. Very often spoiled children grow up in such families, who later become uncontrolled.

During the absence of the child, it is advisable to organize a family council, where the situation should be discussed in detail. It is important to come to a common denominator when it comes to raising a child. You also need to consider some of the tricks that children use: they can ask permission from one adult, but not get consent. Then they immediately go to another - and he permits. The result is disobedience and disrespect for mom today, which can result in the same for dad tomorrow.

We also read: A friendly family will turn the mountain, or how to overcome differences in raising a child -

You need to understand that there are no trifles when it comes to raising a child. Kindergarten or elementary school teachers also discuss any little things for themselves, starting from where to change clothes for children, how to put a table and chairs in class, in which sink the boys wash their hands, and in which sink, and in which girls, and other seemingly insignificant issues for upbringing ... But this is necessary so that the children later do not say that we are sitting in the wrong way with Maria Ivanovna or that we are not standing with Natalya Petrovna. There is no need to give children reason to doubt the correctness of our requirements, because everything starts with little things. To begin with, the child simply does not understand why one says, do this, and the other - that way. Questions appear, then a protest, and then a banal manipulation and refusal to obey at the first shaky situation.

Be sure to pay attention to children's tricks and manipulation by adults. For example, when a baby tries to take time off to take a walk with his mother and receives an answer like: “First, do your homework, and then you’ll go for a walk”, then goes to his father with the same request and receives permission. Today, using dad's thoughtless permission, he shows disobedience and disrespect to mom's opinion, tomorrow he will also do it in relation to dad, and the day after tomorrow he will not ask his parents at all. Stop such manipulations and provocations of conflict in the family. Agree between yourself that for any requests you both first ask the opinion of the other parent, you can simply ask the child: "What did dad (/ mom) say (/ a)?", and then give an answer. If there are disagreements of opinion, discuss them among yourself, but always so that the child does not hear. In general, try not to sort things out in front of the child, no matter what issue your dispute concerns.

Situation 6. All mothers, without exception, are familiar with the situation when, when visiting a store together, a child asks to buy another toy or candy. However, it is not possible to constantly delight your beloved child with purchases. And then, upon refusal to buy the required thing, the child throws a tantrum and falls hysterically on the floor in the store. How to behave in such a situation?

There is nothing to be done, children always want something. They want the same hare as Masha's, or the same typewriter as Igor's - this is normal. Agree, and we are far from all and we do not always agree to understand that you should not buy a new bag, because there are already 33 bags in the closet at home, and in normal condition. What do you want from a child ?! So he fell to the floor, sobbing and screaming, rolling around the store - a very common situation, natural, I would say. And if you buy everything that the child asks now, tomorrow he will do the same and get what he wants again. Why not? It worked once!

The child's desire for sweets or a new toy is quite natural: he does not have this or he has not tried this yet. You can't blame him for that. The best way out of the situation will be a serious and calm conversation with the child before visiting the store, in which it is important for him to understand the reason for the impossibility of buying, but do not lisp, say, as with an adult: “There is no money, you still need to earn it. And they already bought you a toy this month ”- and so on, calmly and confidently. If the conversation did not lead to the desired results, and the child still threw a tantrum in the store, take him and calmly, without shouting and spanking, carry him home. Do not pay attention to passers-by, believe me, they see this quite often, you will not surprise them with anything.

Situation 7. Requests, persuasion, arguments and arguments do not have the desired effect on the child - the child does not obey. What is the reason for this behavior? What mistakes do parents make?

There are three of the most important, most common, and most pernicious mistakes made by parents:

Follow the child's lead. Yes, of course, every child is a person, but you need to understand the limits of what is permissible, you need to give an account of what this will lead to later.
Discussion of various moments and behavior with a child. If you are discussing, then there are disagreements - the child should not even suspect about them!
Scream at the child. Shouting is not only stupid, ugly, a bad role model, but it is also ineffective.

Disobedience and punishment

It is important to keep two rules in mind when it comes to punishing misconduct:

It is necessary to be aware of your actions, their reasons, and also think about the thoughts of the child, who should feel the justice of the punishment. In similar situations, you cannot act in two ways, relying only on mood or other factors (for example, today you are in a good mood and you did not pay attention to the baby's misconduct, and tomorrow you were punished for the same misbehavior).
In serious situations, the child must clearly understand the validity of the parents' actions. If the kid does not obey, the punishment is a completely natural result. It will be exactly as the parents said (preferably in a calm tone).

If a child does not obey, the punishment should come naturally to him. This is what is important to teach the baby - the understanding of the naturalness and inevitability of punishment. Life itself demonstrates examples of this. If you go to a red light, you can get into an accident. Without wearing a hat, you can catch a cold. While indulging in a cup of tea, you can spill hot on yourself and so on.

Before punishing a child, it is necessary to explain what his self-indulgence is fraught with. You should speak in a calm, confident tone that does not tolerate objections.
Correct upbringing and formation of the child's character is possible if the following principles are observed :

The main purpose of punishment is to deprive the child of some meaningful pleasure for him;
The restriction should be implemented immediately, and not postponed to a later time. In children, the sense of time is developed differently, and the punishment, performed after a certain interval, can cause bewilderment in the child, as a result of which it is likely to hold a grudge;
The word “no” should be categorical and firm, not tolerating compromise, persuasion and discussion, no need to negotiate with the child and cancel your decision. If you follow the lead and give in to persuasion, you can become the object of manipulation. Therefore, think before making decisions, so that later you do not regret what was said and do not change your decisions on the go. Children immediately understand that it is possible to negotiate with you, and then you yourself will not notice how your child begins to set the framework for behavior, and not you.
Whatever the offense, you should not raise your hand against the child. Thus, you can provoke aggression and complexes;
You should give up the constant external control for the child. This is fraught with a lack of children's independence, decisiveness, responsibility, such children are easily amenable to someone else's opinion and are not able to make any serious decisions. All this then develops into adulthood (among drug addicts, the majority of these are people, those who easily succumb to other people's influence).

The child cannot be punished in the following cases:

while eating;
during the period of illness;
after or before bedtime;
when the child is very keen on independent play;
when the child wanted to please or help you, but accidentally ruined something;
CATEGORALLY it is not necessary to punish the child in front of strangers.

Be logical, consistent in your behavior, when you punish the child, it should not change depending on your mood. The child must clearly understand that if he commits this offense, he will be punished. If you got away with the wrong behavior today because you are in a good mood and you don’t want to ruin it, be prepared for him to do it again tomorrow. But if this time you punish him, he will either not understand what happened, why you are doing it, or he will draw the wrong conclusions. That is why children often do not admit what they have done, waiting for an opportunity when you will be in a good mood in order to avoid punishment. Don't teach your kids to lie to you.

We read materials on the topic of punishments:

To punish or not to punish a child for accidental misconduct –

8 loyal ways to punish children. How to properly punish a child for disobedience –

To beat or not beat a child - the consequences of physical punishment of children –

Why you can't spank a child - 6 reasons –

Children's whim or selfishness: how is one different from the other? –

Video: How to Punish Children for Disobedience

8 mistakes in parenting

Often the reasons for child disobedience are certain parental mistakes:

Lack of eye contact. When a child is carried away (playing or watching cartoons), it is difficult to switch his attention. However, looking a child in the eye and making a request can work wonders.
You set challenging tasks for the child. You should not ask your child to perform several tasks at once. Thus, he will only get confused and in the end will not do anything. It is advisable to divide your request into simple and small steps.
You are not clear about your thoughts. When you see that the child is indulging (throwing toys), do not ask him how long he will be throwing his toys! The kid will understand everything literally, so it is better to say, for example, like this: "Stop throwing toys!"
You talk a lot... All requirements should be concise using simple and short sentences. If the child is indulging, one should say, “You cannot do this!” And then try to distract the child.
Don't raise your voice... Shouting will only make the situation worse. The child will continue to play on the sly because of the fear of screaming. Be consistent in your decisions and behave calmly!
You are expecting a quick response. Children under the age of 6 need time to become aware (in order to hear and fulfill the request) and to complete the task.
You are repeating over and over like a parrot. The child must acquire some skills on his own. And the constant repetition of what he needs to do will turn him into a lack of initiative. Children have a well-developed visual memory, so various reminder pictures will help a lot!
Simultaneous demand and denial. Do not use the “not” particle. Requests with the prefix “not” affect the child on the contrary, because “not” the baby's perception misses. It is best to replace it with alternative phrases. For example: “Don't get into a puddle” on alternative options, for example: "Let's go around this puddle on the grass!"

Stories

The personality of the child, as well as the degree of his obedience, is determined by the parenting style that is practiced in the family:

Authoritarian (active suppression of the will of the child)... It consists in suppressing the child's will, when the child does and thinks only in accordance with the parental wishes. The child is literally "trained"
Democratic... Assumes that the child has the right to vote, as well as his involvement in various activities related to the family. although some things are not discussed because they are not the responsibility of the child, the main format of communication between parent and child is not orders, but a meeting.
Mixed... It is characterized by the "carrot and stick" method. parents sometimes tighten the “nuts” and sometimes loosen them. Children adapt to it too, living their carefree life from “whipping” to “whipping”. We also read:

Some of these parenting styles produce the following stories:

1. Too smart

7-year-old Denis is the middle child in the family. Parents are worried about his lack of response to their requests. Hearing problems were suspected, but everything turned out to be normal. Denis is the reason for the untimely sitting of all family members at the table, the crush in the bathroom in the morning, as well as the brothers and sisters being late for school. Even if you speak sternly and loudly, he can calmly do his own thing. Authorities have no effect on him. Strong emotions, no fear, no joy were never seen on his face. Parents began to suspect that he had serious internal disorders associated with mental and neurological problems.

According to the results of the examinations, it was revealed that Denis has a sufficiently high and lively intellect. He enthusiastically supported conversations, told that chess is his favorite game, with pleasure and sensible told that he had recently read. The conversation lasted more than two hours, during which Denis was not only not tired, but his interest in everything that was happening was growing. Disobedience was the result of high brain activity and a focus on the internal solution of more complex problems. Denisov's parents were upset because their only desire was "So that he listens and, together with other children, fulfill my requests."