Why a 10-year-old child does not obey. What to do if your child doesn't listen to you. Can disobedience be considered a mental disorder?

At the age of ten, the child has new stage in development, but gradually from a kid, a fool, he goes into adolescents. This is a difficult period, both in terms of physical changes in the body and psychological characteristics.

Children more and more actively declare their own “I” and independence, they can often have difficulties with their parents, in communicating with their peers. This is how the crisis period characteristic of 10 years manifests itself, when the child again checks the boundaries of what is permissible for himself and tests the strength of the parental nerves. At this time, various forms of behavior can manifest themselves, from tearfulness and whims, to aggression and dangerous, aggressive behavior.

Aggression in a 10-year-old child what to do

Unlike the aggression of babies, which manifests itself at the physical level, at this age it is a manifestation of aggression at the level of behavior. Children change their behavior towards vindictiveness, deliberate actions, they can enter into aggressive arguments and bickering, they can angrily tease and insult younger ones, intimidate and even be cruel and harm. At the same time, the child may not react to random provocations of peers, but deliberate provocations can result in attacks of aggression. At the same time, aggression can be expressed verbally in the form of name-calling, humiliation and ridicule, affective reactions with screams and fits of anger.

The reasons for such aggression, as well as many other manifestations (hysterics, uncontrollability, disobedience), are the feeling that the child is not loved, he feels insignificant, feels self-disgust, feels unnecessary to his parents and many other negative feelings. With the help of such behavior, the child subconsciously attracts the attention of others and parents, seeks support and understanding.

Tantrums in a child 10 years old what to do

At this age, tantrums are not uncommon; they arise for the same reasons as bouts of aggression. The child can express his dissatisfaction with screams, tears, emotional outbursts. Parents often worry why a 10-year-old child is crying all the time? Sometimes a child and a can not understand why he behaves in this way, and what is really happening to him. On the one hand, he strives for independence, for limiting many of the prohibitions. But, on the other hand, it is important for him to establish special relations with his parents, to define new boundaries of the danger of the world, to control the parents. If tantrums arise, how to calm down a 10-year-old child? First of all, you need to give the child to throw out emotions, to speak out and talk about the problems. It is important not to shout, not to break down, but to show concern and participation. Even the most hysterical children need understanding, care and the feeling that they are ready to help at any time.

Uncontrollable child 10 years old what to do

During the crisis period, a naughty 10-year-old child suddenly grows out of a calm and affectionate child, what to do in such a situation. As with tantrums and aggression, it is important to be patient, to develop a common tactic of attitude to the behavior of the baby. You should not be led to tantrums and provocations, you need to remain calm, regardless of behavior. If there is no reaction he needs, psychos and tantrums lose their meaning. Set clear boundaries of what is permissible and strictly follow them, without breaking your words. In disputes and conflicts, do not put pressure on authority, negotiate, seek a compromise, distract from whims.

Child 10 years old is very nervous what to do

Sometimes a child's nervousness can be the result of illness or internal problems. It is worth talking to him, taking more time. With constant nervousness, communication with a psychologist, frank conversations, and rest helps. Mild sedatives, herbal teas and sedatives may be used in consultation with the doctor.

Why is a 10-year-old child lying

Childhood lies often point to deep psychological problems... First of all, children lie because of fears of punishment, especially if parents use a rigid parenting system. Children try to delay punishment or avoid it by lying. Children also try to increase their self-esteem at the expense of lies, presenting themselves as a hero in the eyes of others. Lying can be a way of protesting against a parent's actions, trying to establish personal boundaries, or constantly lying indicates problems in the family. It is especially bad if lies are also combined with attempts to steal - this is a cry for help from a child.

Parents often complain that a 9-year-old child does not obey, not wanting to admit that, in the first place, it is their own mistake. Children can behave capriciously at 2 years old, and at 6 years old, and at 9 years old, but there are reasons for each age, and you need to figure them out. It is the parents, as the most loving and understanding people for the child, who must help him overcome this barrier and get rid of his disobedience. But not everyone has enough knowledge and patience, so such families often become patients of a psychologist. There is nothing wrong with that. Moreover, it is the specialist who will help you to quickly and correctly understand a difficult situation.

If a baby does not listen to his parents at 2-3 years old, this phenomenon is considered quite normal. Age allows such behavior, but it must be gradually corrected, otherwise it will be difficult for everyone later.

Parents sometimes do not understand that naughty children suffer a lot. This is especially true for those for whom such behavior is a method of protesting. These children, after another unpleasant situation, will be in severe stress, and a whole series of quarrels drives them into depression. At the age of 9-10 years, this can leave a strong psychological trauma, which then develops into a severe psychological trauma, which will certainly affect the future life of a person.

Therefore, it is imperative to look for solutions, and there can be a lot of them. But the main thing is to define the essence of the problem. There are a lot of reasons why a child may behave disobediently, ignore requests, avoid communication and just throw tantrums. Each situation has its own method of solving the problem.

Parenting style

All children react differently to certain psychological situations. And a lot depends not on the character, but on the acquired skills that are transmitted through.

Parents can make different demands on their child. Someone in the family does not have them at all. But the result of upbringing can sometimes be very surprising when a certain moment adults will begin to notice that their nine-year-old has become simply out of control.

Families with an authoritarian parenting style often face the problem of disobedience. Basically, fathers resort to this method, but recently psychologists have often encountered excessive maternal authority in the life of a child. In this case, there is too much pressure on the fragile child's psyche. The child is not brought up, but trained. At the same time, he becomes not obedient, but depressed, without the ability to show his will. But one day such pressure still has to find a way out. And this can be expressed in the form of disobedience, and most often simple disregard for their family members.

It is much easier to educate your child in a democratic style. This means that all questions in the family that relate to behavior, learning and other important moments for the child will not be connected with orders, but with a meeting. Here's a great method for building relationships with anyone, at any age. However, some parents give slack here, which comes out in the form of disobedience in the future. Some children use too openly good attitude to them, considering it permissiveness. But it will be quite simple to fix this situation, because you can always agree with a child who grows up in a democratic environment. He will not withdraw into himself, like those children who were brought up by parents-authorities.

The third style of upbringing, which experts distinguish into a separate category, is called mixed. This is a rather controversial situation, which can be either ideal solution, or a complete failure. In this case, the parents behave quite democratically, they always consult with their child in everything, but if the rules are violated, they begin to act harshly. In this case, the child either adjusts to the situation and tries to always behave himself, or tries fate and lives only from one flogging to another.

Reasons for disobedience

Each age has its own norms of behavior. But this does not mean at all that a child with early years everything must be allowed only because it is still too small. You need to explain the rules right away. In this case, by the age of 9, the parents will not have their precious child.

As for upbringing at an older age, that is, about 9-10 years old, everything is complicated. Much depends on the parenting model that was used earlier. Families using an authoritarian style should reconsider their attitude towards parenting. If the preschooler is still able to come to terms with the fact that he is constantly ordered to do something, then by the third grade the child may cease to tolerate such an attitude towards himself. It is better to change the order tone to a discussion or a request. There is nothing wrong with the fact that a parent asks for something from his child. There is no need to be afraid that the authority will fall to zero, it is possible that it will even grow in the eyes of the child. In turn, the rude tone and orders are unpleasant for everyone, even those who are accustomed to such treatment since childhood.

Parents who bring up their children in this way should be prepared for the fact that one day the cup of patience will be overflowing and then it will necessarily result in a lot of troubles, and, first of all, in capriciousness. A child can start expressing his protest as early as 9 years old, but in adolescence the situation can become critical.

Another problem is ignoring the requests and needs of the child. This is very important point... When parents do not hear their child or deliberately ignore his desires, believing that they know better what the child needs now, a feeling of uselessness begins to form. One of the forms of expression of such a state will necessarily be capriciousness. At school age, such situations are very dangerous. The life of a child can be quite difficult due to the workload in school, preparation for the transitional age. Added to this is the feeling that even his parents don't like him, it can be a very serious injury.

It is impossible not to consider a very typical situation when everything is resolved in the family from an early age. For a child there are no barriers either in communication or in actions. Such children will be very sociable and active, but uncontrollable. When a child is at a certain age, there must be people and behaviors that could influence him. Otherwise, the situation can get out of control and become critical. Such children, for whom there were no restrictions and laws in the family, may become criminals in the future, since generally accepted rules will not be important for them either.

Parents who indulge their baby in everything, if only he was happy, run the risk of facing the fact that their 9-year-old child will grow up to be a real manipulator. In this case, any refusal from the child's demands will be expressed in the form of disobedience and hysterics.

All this suggests that the main reasons for child disobedience depend on the parents. There is no need to let the situation get out of control at an early age, then you will not have to worry about the capriciousness of the baby by the age of 10. If it was not possible to avoid problems, you need to learn how to deal with whims, but do it right. Do not forget that the most difficult period is not far off, namely. If by this time the parents do not establish normal contact with their child, they will have to solve much bigger problems.

How to overcome disobedience?

If bad behavior, rude conversations with parents, teachers and just adults on the street have become the norm for a child by the age of 9, you need to understand the problem in detail. To begin with, you should pay attention to your own behavior model. Children follow the example of adults in everything. Therefore, it is very important to behave ourselves correctly. Without completing this point, you should not count on success. If children see that their parents are constantly quarreling, talk rudely among themselves and have a negative attitude towards others, it is worth expecting that on the part of the child this will necessarily manifest itself in the form of capriciousness and disobedience.

If the parents are accustomed to the authoritarian style, it is necessary to make some adjustments in communication, since 9-10 years old is already quite a long age. The child will not just tolerate orders, he needs respect, and especially from his parents. If he constantly hears only directions, a protest may arise. Therefore, adults need to explain their words in such a way that it looks not like an order, but like a recommendation. For example, you can replace the phrase: "Clean up your room immediately" with: "Please do the cleaning to make the room more spacious and comfortable."

If parents constantly speak, but do not hear the answer of their child, this is very bad. The child may not find another way to convey his words to adults and will just start to be capricious. The solution to the issue lies in the usual dialogue.

Most of the reasons for disobedience and methods of dealing with them are in the parents. Excessive prohibitions or unlimited freedom - all this has a bad effect on education. In such a delicate moment, everything must be balanced. And it is important not to miss contact with the child at the stage when everything can still be corrected. If by the age of 9 a quiet and obedient child suddenly began to show his character, there is no need to be surprised, it is necessary to find the cause and eliminate it. Many parents forget about the feelings of their children, simply by acting according to the rules or according to the plan outlined earlier. But every family and every situation is different. Therefore, it cannot be argued that in a specific situation it is possible to solve the problem in one way or another without knowing its essence and all the details.

Thus, if the child has ceased to obey, and the parents fail to establish contact with him, there is no need to hesitate to talk about your problem. But only the listeners should not be friends with relatives, but professionals.

Can disobedience be considered a mental disorder?

Many parents who closely monitor not only the physical but also the emotional state of their children often become anxious when they note suspicious behavior. For example, in some families there are children who can be absent-minded, get together for a long time, sometimes even ignore the requests of adults, or simply refuse to contact people. Adults sometimes perceive such a situation as a serious deviation from the norm and the height of disobedience.

But in reality, everything is much simpler. This is how children with high intelligence often behave. They are just bored of having conversations with ordinary people, and they can not always listen to the request of an adult, since their brain at this moment may be busy solving other important issues in their opinion. In this case, the parents have only one way out - to come to terms with the genius in the family. There is no need to put pressure on the child, as this can disrupt his psyche and have an extremely negative effect in the future.

An overly obedient child with a miserable look is cause for concern. This is a sure sign that parents have overdone their parenting measures.

There are many reasons for children's disobedience, and at each age they are different - that is, at 2 years old, 5, 7, 8 or 9 years old, the child behaves badly due to some certain factors. Although, of course, there are general negative prerequisites, for example, permissiveness.

The question of what to do when the child does not obey at all is not uncommon. And you cannot leave the situation to chance, because often bad behavior takes extreme forms, when the baby or practically beats off the hands. Let's figure it out.

There are a lot of situations when a child is behaving inappropriately.

Below are 5 common patterns of child disobedience, each with its own background and age range:

... It often happens that, after repeated warning, a two-year-old baby breaks out of his mother's arms while walking, grabs onto sharp objects, etc. Naturally, such actions are exhausting.
... The child responds to any mother's demand or request with resistance, protest,. He does not want to get dressed, sit at the table, come back from a walk. This behavior is often found in children 3 years old and even 4 years old.
The child interferes with others... Even at the age of 5, children can behave simply unbearably: screaming and running in public places, pushing and kicking. As a result, the mother is very ashamed of the dissatisfied views and comments of the people around her. Most often, at the age of 7, this problem completely disappears.
... When asked by adults to get dressed, to clean the room, children respond with silence and ignoring the words addressed to them. This behavior is especially common at the age of 10 and older, when a teenage rebellion begins.
... Such actions are more typical for younger preschool age. At 4 years old, children may loudly demand to insist on the purchase of an expensive toy or some kind of sweets.

To solve such problems, there are educational methods that are designed to make the child more obedient. But before describing them, you should understand why children do not obey.

Reasons for disobedience

Sources of "wrong" behavior are sometimes very easy to identify by simply analyzing the baby's actions and how you react to them. In other situations, provoking factors are hidden, so the analysis should be deeper.

Below are the most common causes of disobedience in children of different ages:

Crisis period... Psychology identifies several main crisis stages: 1 year, 3 years, 5, 7 years, 10 - 12 years (the beginning of the transitional age). Naturally, the boundaries are rather arbitrary, something else is more important - during these periods there are significant changes in the child's personality and the child's abilities. Both psyche and behavior are changing.
Excessive number of bans... Rebellion is a natural reaction of children of all ages to restrictions. With the constantly sounding word "no", the child sometimes deliberately violates the prohibitions in order to prove his independence and "annoy" the parents.
Inconsistent parenting... For various reasons, parents impose sanctions on a child for something that yesterday, if not encouraged, then was not condemned. Naturally, he is confused, disoriented, which is expressed in disobedience.
Permissiveness... In such a situation, on the contrary, there are practically no restrictions. A child is allowed literally everything, because parents confuse the concepts of "happy childhood" and "carefree childhood." The result of indulging in any whims is spoiledness;
Parenting disagreements... Various requirements for a child are not uncommon. For example, fathers tend to demand more of their children, while mothers show compassion and pity. Or a conflict may arise between parents and the older generation. In any case, disobedience is a consequence of the child's disorientation.
Disrespect for the child's personality... Often, adults are convinced that a child of 8 or 9 years old is just as “powerless” as a one-year-old. They do not want to listen to his opinion, so it is not surprising that the result is protest behavior.
Family conflicts... Adults, sorting out their own relationships, forget about the child. And he tries to attract attention through pranks or even serious misconduct. Subsequently, it becomes a habit.

It is not uncommon for a child's behavior to deteriorate after a change in the composition of the family: a divorce or the birth of a brother / sister. The main motive for disobedience in such situations is the desire to attract attention to oneself.

How to respond to disobedience?

The typical problems and reasons for children's disobedience have already been mentioned. Now you need to understand what to do to parents if the child does not obey.

It is worth noting that we will talk about actions that still remain within the normal range. That is, we will consider just disobedience, and not deviant behavior.

A useful and relevant article in which a psychologist talks about how parental screams affect his future life.

Another important article that deals with the topic of physical punishment. The psychologist will explain in an accessible way.

What to do with a child if he behaves so recklessly that it threatens his health or even his life? It is necessary to introduce a system of rigid frames, which are prohibited to cross.

A 3-year-old kid who actively learns the world simply has no idea how dangerous it is. However, due to age characteristics and does not understand lengthy explanations, therefore the system of restrictions is based on conditioned reflexive behavior.

A child, having heard a certain word, is obliged to stop purely reflexively. This is important because there is not always time to clarify the current situation and the likely consequences.

To make this whole structure work, necessary:

pick up the signal word, which would mean a categorical ban. It is best not to use the word “no” for this purpose, as the child hears it all the time. Signals "stop", "dangerous", "forbid" are suitable;
demonstrate the relationship between the signal word and negative consequence ... Of course, the situation should not pose a serious danger to the child. For example, if a child pulls a finger towards a needle, you can allow him to feel the pain of a sharp one. In really dangerous situations the signal expression must be repeated many times: "It is dangerous to take a knife.", "It is dangerous to touch the stove.";
remove emotions... Sometimes a child of 5 years of age deliberately provokes danger so that the mother is afraid for him, and he is saturated with her emotions. This is why you should not show your strong feelings when the baby behaves this way.

The introduction of categorical prohibitions should also be accompanied by a decrease in other restrictions, since otherwise there is a risk that the child will simply become confused about what can and cannot be done.

As already noted, children go through several crises, which are characterized by protest moods. A growing man strives for autonomy, but rarely a parent is ready to provide it at 5, 8 or 9 years old.

What should parents do in this case? Allow your child to be more independent and make decisions. Agree, you can give him the opportunity to decide what he will have breakfast or what will wear to school.

Such things will seem like a trifle to parents, but for a growing child this is a kind of pass to the adult world. He also feels that he can benefit his loved ones.

If the child insists on completing a knowingly "losing" task, let him do it (unless, of course, this does not harm the child himself). However, after an unsatisfactory result, there is no need to say, they say, I warned you, etc.

If the protest turned into a hysteria, the adult should remain calm, otherwise the emotional outburst will only intensify. It is necessary to save the child from the audience, to hug him or, on the contrary, to step back a little, not letting him out of sight. It all depends on the circumstances.

The child interferes with others

In this case, it is necessary to make it clear that there are general behavioral principles that must be followed without fail. Naturally, if a child does not obey at 4 years old, then he may simply not understand the importance of fulfilling these requirements.

And yet it is necessary to make comments, explain and, in the end, educate children. Therefore, the mother, both for the second and for the eighth time, should repeat the seemingly obvious things: "Don't kick the chair, because the man in front is uncomfortable to sit in."

If it does not work out now, then by the age of 8 the child will learn the rules of behavior that mom or dad so often repeats. And the more accessible it is to explain, the sooner this moment will come.

Children do not want to listen to a parent who lectures him, for two reasons:

the child is busy, hovering in his thoughts, so he does not even hear what the parent is talking about;
this is another variant of protest behavior.

In the first case, children who exhibit autistic traits behave this way. However, gifted children may also exhibit similar behavior, since they are constantly scrolling through many different ideas in their heads.

It is necessary to figure out why the child cannot or does not want to listen in order to correct the situation in time or try to improve relations. A qualified psychologist will tell you what to do in this case.

Protest behavior is typical for children over 9 years old and especially for adolescents. They want more independence, so they get angry with their parents, refuse to listen to them, thus resisting their demands.

It doesn't matter if a rebellious teenager or a three-year-old does not obey the parents, the methods for solving the problem will be similar. We need to give children more independence, if this does not harm their safety, and more love and support.

The child demands to buy him something

No need to wait until demands and capriciousness develop into a hysterical attack. It is best to immediately leave the store and pick up the child under a plausible pretext. For example, explain that you forgot your money.

The failed "buyer" must be diverted to another action. Pay attention to the running cat, count the birds on the branch, repeat the learned poem. Usually babies quickly forget about the imperfect purchase.

If the child is over 6 - 7 years old, then you should already negotiate with him. Let him argue why he needs this particular thing. Find out if he agrees to spend his pocket money (if any) on a toy or phone.

Then you should promise to add the missing amount for your birthday or New Year and buy the thing you like. Naturally, the promise must be kept without fail.

We looked at what to do if the child does not obey in typical situations. However, there are general recommendations that will be useful to all parents. And it doesn't matter how old the child is - 3, 5, 8 or 9 years old.

Reduce the number of inhibitions, leaving them for really serious situations. In this case, the number of punishments will immediately decrease.
If a child at 8 years old does not obey, and you are used to solving the problem by yelling, try to calm down and make comments in a calm tone.
If your child does not listen because of enthusiasm, try to attract his attention not by screaming, but, on the contrary, by whispering, facial expressions or gestures. The interlocutor willy-nilly will have to listen.
Do not voice your demands over and over again. First, just warn the child to stop indulging, then disciplinary action follows. And after the punishment, the reason for such strict measures is explained.
Try not to use the "NOT" particle in your speech. This advice is based on the belief that children do not take the negative particle, literally taking the request as a guide to action.
If the children are hysterical, there is no need at this moment to appeal to their mind. Calm down yourself, once again confirm your demand without raising your voice. This takes place more at 8, 9 years old, and a distraction will work with young children.
Be consistent in your actions, demands, and promises. Also enlist the support of your spouse and grandmothers. Consistency will not allow the child to be disoriented, who will have no reason to behave defiantly.
Try to spend more time interacting with children. Moreover, it is not the number of minutes that is important, but the quality of the interaction.
Prepare yourself mentally for the inevitable growing up. The child is growing, he needs more independence to realize his desires and plans. Provide this independence whenever possible.
Show genuine interest. Find out how your grown up child lives. Perhaps his favorite films are not so superficial, and the music is melodic enough.

If a child at 10 years old or at 2 years old does not obey after many months of efforts on your part, it is better to consult a psychologist.

In order for the child to obey or at least adequately relate to the requirements of adults, it is necessary to restore the most trusting parent-child relationship and establish an emotional connection.

Ways to build trust:

It is important for the child to understand what can be told to the parents about the disturbing situation. Also, the little man needs to know that he can ask questions to adults without fear that they will get angry. At the same time, parents should feel free to ask, clarify, talking about several ways to solve the problem.
If you need to communicate some important news or ask for something urgent, it is better not to shout, but to approach, hug - that is, create physical contact. Doing so will show you are highly interested in the situation, and the child will have less reason to refuse you.
When communicating, you need to support eye contact, however, the gaze should be soft. If a parent looks angrily, then the child subconsciously feels a threat, a desire to put pressure on him, so he perceives each appeal as an order.
Upbringing implies not only demands, but also gratitude. Praise, words of approval - best incentive for children, because they hear them from their parents. By the way, material encouragement is not as valuable for a child as a sincere mother's or father's gratitude.
Do not forget that you are a parent, that is, older and more experienced than your child. Overly friendly relationships often lead to the fact that the child ceases to perceive you as a protector, the main person in the family. That is, you need to be more flexible.

It is important to learn how to properly respond to any problem, to consider it from all sides, including from the perspective of a child. In this case, trust will surely return, and, therefore, children will no longer need to resist their parents.

The power of personal example

Children do not always respond appropriately to simple explanations of why they need to behave in one way or another. It is better to educate by personal example, because this method works much more efficiently than numerous words and wishes.

If a child at 6 years old does not obey, perhaps you should listen to his arguments, an explanation of the action. It is especially important to demonstrate fairness in adolescence, so find the strength to reconsider your decision if it was wrong, and ask forgiveness for the mistake.

At one not the most beautiful moment, almost every parent can face the problem of disobedience. However, do not despair and resolve the issue by force, it is better to build relationships with the child so that conflicts do not reach the point of no return.

Also, consider whether an obedient child is so good. After all, some manifestations of insubordination are associated with the normal passage of age crises, and if children never mind, perhaps they lack independence and desire for self-development.

Finally, adults themselves must serve as models of constructive behavior. Agree that it is stupid to require a child to listen and hear if the parents do not always fulfill their promises, change the requirements without due reason and do not want to give in to little things.

Naughty children…Why do you think your child is naughty?

because the child has his own opinion, his own interests, his views and preferences?
because he is angry, crying, showing negative emotions?

What then do you want your child to be an independent person in the future or a controlled toy? If the child does not obey? What to do? The rules of education and the correct reaction to disobedience.

There are several styles of upbringing aimed at determining the degree of obedience and modeling the personality of the child.

authoritarian style... Consists of suppressing the will of the child. There is no need to argue about what is interesting, what is not, what is needed and what is not. If you don't understand, learn it by heart. Communication between parent and child in the form of orders.
democratic style... The child is included in the activity, has the rights. Communication between parents and child in the form of a meeting.
mixed style.

Before setting the rules, think about the fact that your opinion and your will in relation to the child is not the only correct one. The task of upbringing is to raise a person who can be responsible for himself and his actions on his own.

Parenting rules

There should be certain rules, restrictions, prohibitions and requirements.

It is necessary to find such ways for the child to accept these rules calmly, without grief, tears and resentment.

Permissiveness in relation to children of the first years of life will not lead to anything worthwhile.

These rules should be flexible and there should be a limited number of them.

It is necessary to determine the basic prohibitions (you cannot beat or bite your mother, you cannot climb to the stove or through the window, etc.). Under no circumstances should you violate them.

Always explain to your child why not. “Because I said so” and the like are not appropriate. Explain the real reason: “dangerous”, “late”. If, after the explanation, the child repeats his question "why", it means that it is difficult for him to overcome his desire. In this case, show your child that you understand and accept his feelings.

Keeping a child in black mittens is not an option.

About flexibility. The child may outgrow some of the limitations. Also, remember that there are certain situations and circumstances in which you can relax certain requirements a little.

The child's needs and parenting rules must keep pace.

If the child wants to walk in puddles, let him walk, but in rubber boots... If a child wants to throw stones, let him throw them, only in a certain place or when there are no passers-by.

It is necessary to organize the child a certain suitable environment for his activities, direct his activity. And not to prohibit and scold. Where it is possible to do without categorical prohibitions, give the child freedom of action.

These rules must be accepted by all adults.

If mom says one thing, dad starts arguing with mom, the child will not understand your rules, but will get his way thanks to the split in the ranks of adults.

Your tone should be explanatory and friendly.

Don't tell your child to do this or that! Think about how you yourself feel about various orders or raising the voice of your interlocutor?

Important! Children do not rebel against the rules themselves, but against the ways in which they are implemented! Remember, if you want your child to treat you with respect, respect himself and others, respect him and his rights.

How to respond to disobedience?

to solve the problem peacefully? Maybe reconsider your requirements? Are they legal? (maybe you dressed up the child on the street and want the child to stand next to you so as not to get dirty?) Maybe you want the child to grow up the way you see him (saw yourself in childhood), and not the way he is?
ignoring behavior? - to not pay attention?
distract the child? - to switch attention, showing him something different and interesting? Suitable for small children. Such children cannot be punished, since they do not yet understand what and why.

Punishments

We often bring up children the way we were brought up. Family traditions, so to speak. And maybe then remember your childhood experiences, fears, resentments and disappointments from this kind of parenting?

physical punishment? - Does the child, in a fit of anger, commit any inappropriate actions? - These actions were provoked by the parents. It was the parents who brought the child to this state by their actions.

With all this, nothing can be done with the spoiled thing, and the child is already so scared because of what happened. He needs to be reassured, and then discuss what happened.

Physical punishment intimidates and humiliates children and offends their feelings.

Don't punish your child when your feelings are stronger than your mind. Try to cool down, calm down, and then choose an adequate punishment.

If you lost your temper, did not restrain yourself, ask the child for forgiveness! Especially if you were wrong, explain to your child what happened, do not delay.

insulation? The child is excluded from joint games for a short period, no one pays attention to him at this time.

Used in many schools and kindergartens. But children can imitate the actions of adults and exclude children from their games, arrange a boycott for them. And this is nothing more than a manifestation of cruelty in a child's environment.

threats? Humiliation with words? Think about it, are we screaming because it really works or because we can't help it? Trouble at work? My head hurts? After all, we will not say anything useful, but only cause the child to respond with resentment, despondency or aggression.

Or the child will believe in your words and will follow them in life! This is how low self-esteem is formed ...

Praise your child more often, pay attention to his positive qualities.

And another interesting point, tell your child stories from your childhood, but do not lie or embellish. So he will understand that everyone makes mistakes and mistakes, he will feel your support and your understanding.

punishment in the form of labor? You will wash the dishes because you got into a fight! You read the book, because you got a deuce!

Never say that !!! Do not punish your child with what he has to do voluntarily! Otherwise, a negative attitude towards work or reading can be consolidated for life.

punishment in the form of deprivation of pleasure? Gipenreiter in the book “Communicate with the child. How?" advises "Punishing a child is better by depriving him of what is good than doing him bad."

Refuse reading a book together, going to the zoo together if the child has done an act that really upset you.

Always tell your child what they are being punished for and why.

When scolding a child, imagine that he is an adult or that you are in the same situation. What will they tell you in this case? How will the others behave? They will shout, swear, or they will say, it's okay, it happens. What do you say to the child? But the child is just learning, learns the world around him and not everything he succeeds the first time.

Important! The child should not be afraid of punishment, but strive to avoid bad deeds so that loved ones are not upset.

What should the parents do if the child does not obey?

Sometimes kids don't listen and that's okay! How else can a child train his will, his perseverance and his character? How will he learn to defend his interests?

Perhaps the child is demanding attention with his bad behavior, trying to attract attention, or he is jealous of you. It is necessary to understand the reasons for this behavior, only then to act.

Often the child does not listen, because he is missing something. He needs to satisfy his needs (to feel like someone else, to feel loved, significant and powerful, to feel his territory, and also to explore the world around him).

When the child is stubborn, remember these needs. You do not need to use force so as not to seem weak, or follow the child's lead in order not to succumb to childish manipulations. You can ask your child how and when he wants to do this.

You need to learn to react correctly to each situation, to look at it not only from your own position, but also from the perspective of your child. Ask yourself: "Is it so important now to get this from a child?" If the child sees that you have become calmer, the child will understand that there is no need to resist and the problem can be solved peacefully.

Learn to play with your child! Imagine that your child is a steam locomotive that urgently needs a refueling (food), or let your child be a detective following in your footsteps (when you go somewhere).

Do not forget that you need to talk with your child, being on the same level with him. Hug your child or take a hand, look into the eyes. Show patience and concern. Do not forget to thank the child for the service rendered.

Children follow the example of adults. If you yourself cannot keep promises and ignore the requests of the child, then what do you expect from the child?

Children may not listen to you, not because they want to, but simply because they may not remember or understand your long, multi-step instruction.

There are many different books on child psychology. However, you should not apply in practice everything you read. Don't copy someone else's experience. Look for the perfect solution for you and your child.

And remember that if a child shows interest, experiences emotions, learns to live independently in this world, has his own point of view and can defend it, tests your rules for strength - this is normal and correct. It should be so! If the child fulfills all your requests in silence, never shows emotions (both negative and positive), you should think about it and seek help.

Even the most obedient children can periodically change their behavior dramatically. Most often, such turning points occur during the psychophysiological restructuring of the body. One of the most difficult periods for parents is adolescence. And if earlier moms and dads with minimal nerves could calm a child, then few know what to do if a child is nervous and naughty at the age of 10.

This period marks the beginning of the manifestation of adolescent maximalism, both in boys and girls. Children at this age collapse and radically change their ideas about the world and themselves. At the same time, everything around them is represented by extremes: if someone is good, then he ascends to an idol, dislike or bad attitude can meet with absolute aggression.

In addition, children at the age of 10 are in dire need of such social phenomena, at least at the family level:

sincerity of the relationship;
respect for their interests;
clear perception of the child as a person by loved ones;
a sufficient level of attention and a demonstration of true parental love.

At this stage, both girls and boys show a lot of aggression. It is kind universal way protection from psychological and physical abuse, as well as a desperate attempt to attract attention. In addition, it is at this time that early puberty begins and the manifestation of some interest in the gender difference. At the same time, curiosity is more of a general educational nature and practically excludes deep sexual overtones.

Due to the emergence of interest in the opposite sex, both in boys and girls, defiant and aggressive behavior is a way to attract the necessary level of attention. Nervousness is especially often and uncontrollably manifested in the event of an acute deficiency, both at home and at school. To understand their importance, children need to feel love and care. But, at the same time, it is important for both boys and girls to assert their “I” and achieve the perception of themselves by adults as a person entitled to a voice and opinion.

The main reasons for the emergence of bright outbursts of aggression and the implementation of deliberate meanness, is the feeling of their uselessness to parents and others. The child feels unloved, deeply lonely. Even with acute aggressive reactions, their main purpose is to attract attention and seek support and a share of understanding of deep problems.

Quite often, children of this age have not only aggression, but also frequent crying, turning into tantrums. The phenomenon occurs not only in girls, but also in boys. At the same time, the child himself is often unable to explain the reasons for such behavior. All this is a consequence of hormonal changes in the body, in conjunction with the urgent need for self-realization.

Quite often, bouts of nervousness and crying occur when there is a desire to show independence and attempts to eliminate a number of existing bans or restrictions, as well as to reduce the parental control zone. It is important for children to be able to exercise self-choice in elementary things, express your opinion and feel your importance and usefulness.

Methods for eliminating aggressive behavior in children of 10 years old

To effectively work to eliminate the nervousness and disobedience of boys and girls at the age of 10, it is important for parents to understand first of all that even the most reckless bullies and hysterical kids are in dire need of love, understanding and support. The very principle of eliminating aggression is based precisely on these needs of children.

Initially, any baby needs help to throw out the accumulated emotions. However, it is important to teach him how to do this not on people and animate objects. Let the baby beat the pillow, draw his mood, talk about the problem. It is important not to show aggression at the moment and talk to the child in a normal voice.

In the event that tantrums and whims do not occur due to the child's poor health, they must be ignored as much as possible. In no case should you indulge in such whims or respond with aggression, as a result of the calmness of the parents, the kid will understand that such “concerts” do not make sense

It is worth noting that in the course of disputes, it is important for adults and the child to find a compromise, and not to crush the baby with their authority. Any conversation, especially educational, should be conducted on an equal footing. To do this, mom or dad needs to sit down so that the child is practically at the same height and does not feel infringed.

Most often, attempts at self-assertion occur at home with my mother, or with the closest relatives. However, if a child is nervous and disobedient not only at home, but also at school and on the street, the first step is to find out the true reason for this behavior. Perhaps she is hiding in the presence of any fears or unpleasant subjects, periodically insulting.

What to do if a child is nervous and naughty everywhere at 10 years old? The manifestations of acute and uncontrolled aggression are everywhere, often of a deep nature and can be manifestations of latent disturbances in the work of the central nervous system. Therefore, systematic nervous behavior often requires the help of a child psychologist. At the same time, often the main problem lies in intra-family relations and the principles of communication and mutual respect. Therefore, a family counselor may be required to eliminate negative factors.

Source: detskoerazvitie.info

Parents often complain that a 9-year-old child does not obey, not wanting to admit that, in the first place, it is their own mistake. Children can behave capriciously at 2 years old, and at 6 years old, and at 9 years old, but there are reasons for each age, and you need to figure them out with your family. It is the parents, as the most loving and understanding people for the child, who must help him overcome this barrier and get rid of his disobedience. But not everyone has enough knowledge and patience, so such families often become patients of a psychologist. There is nothing wrong with that. Moreover, it is the specialist who will help you to quickly and correctly understand a difficult situation.

All children react differently to certain psychological situations. And a lot depends not on the character, but on the acquired skills, which are transmitted through the style of upbringing.

Parents can make different demands on their child. Someone in the family does not have them at all. But the result of upbringing can sometimes be very surprising, when at a certain point adults begin to notice that their nine-year-old child has simply become uncontrollable.

Families with an authoritarian parenting style often face the problem of disobedience. Basically, fathers resort to this method, but recently psychologists have often encountered excessive maternal authority in the life of a child. In this case, there is too much pressure on the fragile child's psyche. The child is not brought up, but trained. At the same time, he becomes not obedient, but depressed, without the ability to show his will. But one day such pressure still has to find a way out. And this can be expressed in the form of disobedience, hysterics, and more often than not, simple disregard for their family members.

It is much easier to educate your child in a democratic style. This means that all questions in the family that relate to behavior, learning and other important moments for the child will not be connected with orders, but with a meeting. Here's a great method for building relationships with anyone, at any age. However, some parents give slack here, which comes out in the form of disobedience in the future. Some children too openly use a good attitude towards them, considering it permissiveness. But it will be quite simple to fix this situation, because you can always agree with a child who grows up in a democratic environment. He will not withdraw into himself, like those children who were brought up by parents-authorities.

The third style of upbringing, which experts distinguish into a separate category, is called mixed. This is a rather controversial situation, which can be either an ideal solution or a complete failure. In this case, the parents behave quite democratically, they always consult with their child in everything, but if the rules are violated, they begin to act harshly. In this case, the child either adjusts to the situation and tries to always behave himself, or tries fate and lives only from one flogging to another.

Each age has its own norms of behavior. But this does not mean at all that a child from an early age needs to be allowed everything just because he is still too young. You need to explain the rules right away. In this case, by the age of 9, parents will not have to fight the whims of their precious child.

Another problem is ignoring the requests and needs of the child. This is a very important point. When parents do not hear their child or deliberately ignore his desires, believing that they know better what the child needs now, a feeling of uselessness begins to form. One of the forms of expression of such a state will necessarily be capriciousness. At school age, such situations are very dangerous. The life of a child can be quite difficult due to the workload in school, preparation for the transitional age. Added to this is the feeling that even his parents don't like him, it can be a very serious injury.

All this suggests that the main reasons for child disobedience depend on the parents. There is no need to let the situation get out of control at an early age, then you will not have to worry about the capriciousness of the baby by the age of 10. If it was not possible to avoid problems, you need to learn how to deal with whims, but do it right. Do not forget that the most difficult period is not far off, namely the transitional age. If by this time the parents do not establish normal contact with their child, they will have to solve much bigger problems.

Can disobedience be considered a mental disorder?

But in reality, everything is much simpler. This is how children with high intelligence often behave. They are simply bored of having conversations with ordinary people, and they cannot always listen to the request of an adult, since their brain at this moment may be busy solving other important issues in their opinion. In this case, the parents have only one way out - to come to terms with the genius in the family. There is no need to put pressure on the child, as this can disrupt his psyche and have an extremely negative effect in the future.

An overly obedient child with a miserable look is cause for concern. This is a sure sign that parents have overdone their parenting measures.

Source: roditeliz.ru

The reasons for such aggression, as well as many other manifestations (hysterics, uncontrollability, disobedience), are the feeling that the child is not loved, he feels insignificant, feels self-disgust, feels unnecessary to his parents and many other negative feelings. With the help of such behavior, the child subconsciously attracts the attention of others and parents, seeks support and understanding.

Childhood lies often point to deep psychological problems. First of all, children lie because of fears of punishment, especially if parents use a rigid parenting system. Children try to delay punishment or avoid it by lying. Children also try to increase their self-esteem at the expense of lies, presenting themselves as a hero in the eyes of others. Lying can be a way of protesting against a parent's actions, trying to establish personal boundaries, or constantly lying indicates problems in the family. It is especially bad if lies are also combined with attempts to steal - this is a cry for help from a child.

Almost all children between the ages of seven and 10-12 go through this stage. This happens with a lack of attention on the part of the parents to the needs of the child, with the need to assert themselves, the desire to be no worse than others. It also adds to this awareness of the impunity of the act, as well as incitement to theft due to extortion of elders at school.

It is important to find out the reasons and understand what happened, screaming, shaming the child and threatening him with a criminal future is unproductive. It is necessary to solve the problem in the family.

Source: detstrana.ru

Why does the child not obey and what to do about it?

All children periodically demonstrate undesirable forms of behavior. But if some behave badly from time to time, then others regularly try to harass adults with tantrums, unwillingness to fulfill requests. Before doing anything, you need to understand why the child does not obey.

The question of what to do when the child does not obey at all is not uncommon. And you cannot leave the situation to chance, because often bad behavior takes extreme forms, when a baby or teenager practically gets out of hand. Let's figure it out.

There are a lot of situations when a child is behaving inappropriately.

Below are 5 common patterns of child disobedience, each with its own background and age range:

Child exhibits dangerous behavior... It often happens that, after repeated warning, a two-year-old baby breaks out of his mother's arms while walking, grabs onto sharp objects, etc. Naturally, such actions are exhausting.
Child protests... The child responds to any mother's demand or request with resistance, protest, hysteria. He does not want to get dressed, sit at the table, come back from a walk. This behavior is often found in children 3 years old and even 4 years old.
The child interferes with others... Even at the age of 5, children can behave simply unbearably: screaming and running in public places, pushing and kicking. As a result, the mother is very ashamed of the dissatisfied views and comments of the people around her. Most often, at the age of 7, this problem completely disappears.
The child ignores the parents... When asked by adults to get dressed, to clean the room, children respond with silence and ignoring the words addressed to them. This behavior is especially common at the age of 10 and older, when a teenage rebellion begins.
The child demands to buy him something... Such actions are more typical for younger preschool age. At 4 years old, children may loudly demand to insist on the purchase of an expensive toy or some kind of sweets.

Below are the most common causes of disobedience in children of different ages:

Crisis period... Psychology identifies several main crisis stages: 1 year, 3 years, 5, 7 years, 10 - 12 years (the beginning of the transitional age). Naturally, the boundaries are rather arbitrary, something else is more important - during these periods there are significant changes in the child's personality and the child's abilities. Both psyche and behavior are changing.
Excessive number of bans... Rebellion is a natural reaction of children of all ages to restrictions. With the constantly sounding word "no", the child sometimes deliberately violates the prohibitions in order to prove his independence and "annoy" the parents.
Inconsistent parenting... For various reasons, parents impose sanctions on a child for something that yesterday, if not encouraged, then was not condemned. Naturally, he is confused, disoriented, which is expressed in disobedience.
Permissiveness... In such a situation, on the contrary, there are practically no restrictions. A child is allowed literally everything, because parents confuse the concepts of "happy childhood" and "carefree childhood." The result of indulging in any whims is spoiledness;
Parenting disagreements... Various requirements for a child are not uncommon. For example, fathers tend to demand more of their children, while mothers show compassion and pity. Or a conflict may arise between parents and the older generation. In any case, disobedience is a consequence of the child's disorientation.
Disrespect for the child's personality... Often, adults are convinced that a child of 8 or 9 years old is just as “powerless” as a one-year-old. They do not want to listen to his opinion, so it is not surprising that the result is protest behavior.
Family conflicts... Adults, sorting out their own relationships, forget about the child. And he tries to attract attention through pranks or even serious misconduct. Subsequently, it becomes a habit.

The typical problems and reasons for children's disobedience have already been mentioned. Now you need to understand what to do to parents if the child does not obey.

It is worth noting that we will talk about actions that still remain within the normal range. That is, we will consider just disobedience, and not deviant behavior.

A useful and relevant article in which a psychologist tells why you shouldn't yell at a child and how parental screams affect his future life.

Another important article that deals with the topic of physical punishment. The psychologist will explain in an understandable way why children should not be beaten.

What to do with a child if he behaves so recklessly that it threatens his health or even his life? It is necessary to introduce a system of rigid frames, which are prohibited to cross.

A 3-year-old kid who actively learns the world simply has no idea how dangerous it is. However, due to age characteristics, he does not understand lengthy explanations, therefore, the system of restrictions is based on conditioned reflexive behavior.

To make this whole structure work, necessary:

pick up the signal word, which would mean a categorical ban. It is best not to use the word “no” for this purpose, as the child hears it all the time. Signals "stop", "dangerous", "forbid" are suitable;
demonstrate the relationship between a signal word and a negative consequence... Of course, the situation should not pose a serious danger to the child. For example, if a child pulls a finger towards a needle, you can allow him to feel the pain of a sharp one. In really dangerous situations, it is necessary to repeatedly pronounce the signal expression: "It is dangerous to take a knife.", "It is dangerous to touch the stove.";
remove emotions... Sometimes a child of 5 years of age deliberately provokes danger so that the mother is afraid for him, and he is saturated with her emotions. This is why you should not show your strong feelings when the baby behaves this way.

As already noted, children go through several crises, which are characterized by protest moods. A growing man strives for autonomy, but rarely a parent is ready to provide it at 5, 8 or 9 years old.

Such things will seem like a trifle to parents, but for a growing child this is a kind of pass to the adult world. He also feels that he can benefit his loved ones.

Children do not want to listen to a parent who lectures him, for two reasons:

the child is busy, hovering in his thoughts, so he does not even hear what the parent is talking about;
this is another variant of protest behavior.

Then you should promise to add the missing amount for your birthday or New Year and buy the thing you like. Naturally, the promise must be kept without fail.

Reduce the number of inhibitions, leaving them for really serious situations. In this case, the number of punishments will immediately decrease.
If a child at 8 years old does not obey, and you are used to solving the problem by yelling, try to calm down and make comments in a calm tone.
If your child does not listen because of enthusiasm, try to attract his attention not by screaming, but, on the contrary, by whispering, facial expressions or gestures. The interlocutor willy-nilly will have to listen.
Do not voice your demands over and over again. First, just warn the child to stop indulging, then disciplinary action follows. And after the punishment, the reason for such strict measures is explained.
Try not to use the "NOT" particle in your speech. This advice is based on the belief that children do not take the negative particle, literally taking the request as a guide to action.
If the children are hysterical, there is no need at this moment to appeal to their mind. Calm down yourself, once again confirm your demand without raising your voice. This takes place more at 8, 9 years old, and a distraction will work with young children.
Be consistent in your actions, demands, and promises. Also enlist the support of your spouse and grandmothers. Consistency will not allow the child to be disoriented, who will have no reason to behave defiantly.
Try to spend more time interacting with children. Moreover, it is not the number of minutes that is important, but the quality of the interaction.
Prepare yourself mentally for the inevitable growing up. The child is growing, he needs more independence to realize his desires and plans. Provide this independence whenever possible.
Show genuine interest. Find out how your grown up child lives. Perhaps his favorite films are not so superficial, and the music is melodic enough.

Ways to build trust:

It is important for the child to understand what can be told to the parents about the disturbing situation. Also, the little man needs to know that he can ask questions to adults without fear that they will get angry. At the same time, parents should feel free to ask, clarify, talking about several ways to solve the problem.
If you need to communicate some important news or ask for something urgent, it is better not to shout, but to approach, hug - that is, create physical contact. Doing so will show you are highly interested in the situation, and the child will have less reason to refuse you.
When communicating, you need to maintain eye contact, but the gaze should be soft. If a parent looks angrily, then the child subconsciously feels a threat, a desire to put pressure on him, so he perceives each appeal as an order.
Upbringing implies not only demands, but also gratitude. Praise, words of approval are the best incentive for children, because they hear them from their parents. By the way, material encouragement is not as valuable for a child as a sincere mother's or father's gratitude.
Do not forget that you are a parent, that is, older and more experienced than your child. Overly friendly relationships often lead to the fact that the child ceases to perceive you as a protector, the main person in the family. That is, you need to be more flexible.