Inconsistency is inconsistent. Behavior Behavior not

Child psychologists consider various problems of a child (diseases, difficulties in behavior, obsessions, etc.) as the language with which he communicates his difficulties to the family. What the child cannot express in words, he will always communicate with his body or behavior problems. And psychologists are kind of translators. Here is a dictionary or phrasebook compiled by psychologist Yevgeny Zaburdaev to make it easier for parents to understand their children.

The child cannot say what worries him for several reasons. If the child is very small, it is simply because he has not yet mastered enough speech. And if he already knows how to speak, then often he simply does not know how to talk about important things (he is afraid, ashamed, in the family there may be an unspoken prohibition on discussing some painful and difficult topics).

Then the child, infant or teenager, tells the family about what is happening to him with the help of the body or inappropriate behavior. The task of the psychologist is to understand what the child is saying and help him express his anxiety in words or other symbolic signs (drawing, play). After which the problem often disappears.

Here I am giving a short phrasebook for children and adults. Of course, the connection is not always as unambiguous as in these examples. In addition, one symptom can hide behind itself a much wider palette of meanings that the child tells us. I hope this dictionary will help you to think and be more indulgent to the various difficulties of children, and, perhaps, turn to a psychologist to resolve them.

Aggressive. I'm very scared and I don't know how to deal with it.

Active too. I am very scared, I need rules and support.

Apathetic. I'm afraid to make a mistake. I am afraid that adults will judge my spontaneity and everything I do.

Helpless. It is very convenient for me when adults do everything for me. This is how I take care of my mother and help her feel needed.

Beats parents. This is how I express my anger at them because I don't know any other way. This is how I let my mom know that I need bans from her.

Has terrible dreams. When I’m scared, the images in my dreams tell me what I’m afraid of in real life.

Steals. 1. I really miss the attention and warmth of my loved ones. 2. I am missing some important information regarding the history of the family, my birth. 3. This is how I express my anger.

Pulls hair out. I am very scared, I am under a lot of stress.

He speaks very softly. I am scared to show myself, to talk about my desires, to defend myself. I'm afraid they won't accept me that way.

He speaks badly. It is very convenient for me when adults say and do many things for me. And I also help my mother to be always needed and, for example, not to get depressed.

Speaks bad words. So I check what is possible and what is not in our family.

She bites her nails. I am very scared, I am worried, I experience severe stress, often associated with parting with my mother.

Doesn't know how to be friends. I don’t know how to protect myself in dealing with others and how to take others into account. I'm scared.

Eats a lot. I'm anxious and food allows me to deal with it. With food, I try to replace the lack of emotional intimacy that I really need.

He eats badly. 1. I am not ready to accept, "digest" something in our family (difficulties faced by the family, changes, new family roles). 2. In this way, I distance myself from my family.

He is greedy. 1. I believe that my belongings rightfully belong to me. 2. I lack emotional warmth and support.

Forgets. See Speaks badly, is helpless, lazy.

Jealous. I'm afraid of being worse than others and being rejected.

Asks a lot of questions. 1. Now is the time when I began to learn about the world. 2. I miss your attention. 3. I need some important information about myself and my family, which is hidden from me.

Stutters. 1. Once a very important relationship for me was interrupted, and I was very frightened. 2. I feel guilty about something. 3. I am strongly oppressed by adults, and I am afraid to speak out.

He plays a little. I'm afraid to show my spontaneity, I try to be a comfortable child.

Plays only gadgets. I don't know how to play with children, I'm scared. Only in computer games I feel that I can do something, only here I am successful.

Is naughty. I cannot express myself and my desires directly, whims help me achieve my goals.

Screams in a dream. See Sees Scary Dreams.

Lazy. 1. I am not interested in doing what I am offered. 2. I am afraid that I will not succeed, and no one will support me. 3. It is convenient for me when others do everything for me.

Wetting in his pants, in bed. 1. Something is happening in the family that worries me a lot. 2. I want to return my mother's care.

Moves obsessively. See Nail biting, hair pulling.

Doesn't want to go to school. 1. I don't get enough support at home to cope with my academic failures. My parents have too high expectations for my grades. 2. I have communication difficulties and do not know how to deal with it.

Doesn't listen to anyone. 1. I miss consistent and consistent rules in our home. 2. I do not have enough attention, I do not know how to make me noticed differently.

Refuses to go to kindergarten. I am very afraid to leave my mother alone. I am afraid that my mother will not be able to cope alone. I myself am afraid to be left without her.

It smells bad. I am afraid to let others close to me, I am afraid of close relationships.

Tied to one toy. I am very anxious. The toy replaces my mother.

Self-harm. 1. I feel unbearably painful mentally, and it is easier to experience this pain in my body. 2. I feel unbearably guilty and try to punish myself.

Irritated. I am not allowed to be angry, and this is a way in which I can show my anger to others.

Keeps order obsessively. If I don't follow a rigid order and sequence of actions, something terrible will happen. This is how I protect everyone.

Grinds his teeth in sleep. 1. I'm very scared. 2. I am angry and cannot express my anger in words.

He sleeps badly. I'm afraid that I won't be able to cope with the darkness and the unknown alone, I'm afraid that my mother will not come. I believe that the right to sleep with my mother belongs only to me.

He touches his genitals frequently. 1. I am very anxious. 2. I have witnessed adult sexuality and do not know how to deal with it (I saw how parents are engaged in having sex, often saw my mother naked).

He touches his feces. I am very interested in my body and what it can do.

Is fantasizing too much. I'm so scared. My fantasy world helps me deal with my fears.

Comment on the article "What child behavior means: 40 situations. Dictionary for parents"

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1. Question # 1: "Am I raising obedient or successful?" 2. When the child does not obey you, remember question # 1. 3. Even the smallest knows better than his mother whether he is warm or cold, whether he wants to eat or not, whether he likes something or not. 4. Children copy their parents. There is no point in scolding for the flaws they took from you. 5. Give your child a choice more often. For example: what (and how much) to eat, what to play, where to walk ... This is how he learns. 6. If possible, do not interfere with negative experiences ...

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Bio-mom's alcoholism and child's behavior. Psychological and pedagogical aspects. Adoption. Discussion of issues of adoption, forms Children growing up in a favorable environment have 25% more synapses compared to children from less well-off families.

As far as I know, there is no behavior grade in elementary school. I don’t understand what “the school is good and convenient for us” can mean in your understanding. Some kind of contradiction. A good school in which the child is good.

c) unstable socio-economic environment If this behavior is atypical for a child and adults, then it means that he has some difficulties and needs to close your eyes and imagine a color that matches your mood.

Changes in the child's behavior with MMD are reduced to excessive activity, i.e., to the patient's social functions are at a low level and do not correspond to age. For sick children, it is necessary to create a calm, welcoming environment.

became different because of love, a desire to correspond to the ideal of a wife. And now five years later But since he knows that this behavior is unnatural FOR YOU, then your distance If 5 years ago you had a full tip-top, this does not mean at all that it will be ...

However, it has already come to cooperation, which has a slightly different meaning than the previously designated model of behavior, namely "mutually directed actions", which is quite consistent with my approach.

In the environment of each of you, be it a family or a work collective, there are people who do not respect, or simply do not take into account their opinions and interests, do not pay attention to them. They seem to be very good, help when necessary, do not quarrel with anyone. And no one is interested in communicating with them, often such people remain lonely or take offense at the whole world.

But they themselves are to blame for this situation! Some mistakes in behavior and attitude to the world lead to the fact that others begin to consider a person unworthy of their respect and attention. Here they are - and get rid of it as soon as possible if you have such qualities!

Mistake # 1. Unnecessary sacrifice

You should not sacrifice yourself and your interests to even the most noble goal. No one will appreciate this, but will demand more and more. Just to use such a situation without the slightest twinge of conscience - you yourself agree to this!

Mistake # 2. Lack of self-esteem

If you don't respect yourself, nobody will respect you. Do not allow yourself to be humiliated, insulted, rude and rude! If you try not to notice it or just close your eyes to it, find an excuse for such behavior of others - such situations will never stop. Learn to put the boor in his place - and you will see that the attitude will change.

Mistake number 3. Dependence on the assessment of others

If you constantly look back at the opinions of others, you do not have confidence in your own strengths and capabilities, then people will quickly learn to use this for their own purposes - to demand something for praise or approval. But, even if you make mistakes in complete confidence that you are right, respect is guaranteed. And there is no need to be afraid of criticism. But you can just spit on someone else's condemnation - you won't be good to everyone!

Mistake # 4. Searching for a problem only in yourself

If you think that only you and again you are to blame for everything, then you are deeply mistaken! Even if you deliberately take on someone else's responsibility, you will not receive gratitude! And wait until the next time everything will be hanged on you by definition. Be fair not only to others, but also to yourself - this is the basis of respect.

Mistake # 5. Self-praise

Even if you have earned praise a hundred times over, constantly reminding you of your merits and achievements is a direct way to cause rejection of others. Self-praise and pride are two of the worst sins. If you are worth it, people are not blind themselves, they do not need to be constantly reminded about it.

Mistake # 6. Fear of rejection

Learn to say no! If you do not want to fulfill the request, you are uncomfortable - no one can force you to help or do something for someone else. "They carry water to the trouble-free" - it is not for nothing that the people say so.

Mistake # 7. Giving up on your own interests

If you are constantly adjusting to other people's interests, you don't have to wait for someone to decide to do it in gratitude. You will be twisted as they want! You must decide everything for yourself. And if there is a clash of interests, it is necessary to seek a compromise, and not immediately make concessions.

Mistake number 8. Fear of loneliness

If you are afraid of being alone and therefore sacrifice yourself, you will definitely be left alone, even if someone is nearby. It's just that people with not very good traits will use you - egotists, tyrants, narcissists, energy vampires, just dishonest people. Self-esteem is what will help you find a worthy companion, have respect from children and others. Better than none - a mistake!

Mistake 9. Lack of acceptable boundaries

You yourself must determine the boundaries of acceptable behavior in you. And if you even mentally justify a person who showed disrespect to you, then - you will never be respected. Don't let people overstep the boundaries that you want and not others.

Mistake # 10. Respect must be earned.

You don't have to "deserve" anything on purpose! And even more so, to buy respect with some kind of gratuitous deeds, services. The first time they may say thank you, the second time they will wait as a matter of course, and the third time they will even condemn you if something goes wrong. Respect is shaped by all life and behavior, not by individual actions.

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Have you noticed that good people are often not respected? They help out, and help, and endure, and do not hold evil, but for some reason they often remain offended and alone.

Psychologists believe that the reason for this is behavioral errors. site illustrated them for you.

Unnecessary sacrifice

You are infringing on your needs to please the world. And the world just doesn't notice it.
And when you are offended, you are embarrassed for the offender. With this approach, you will be hurt over and over again.

  • Don't be afraid to let the world know about your inconvenience. Perhaps it costs him nothing to meet you halfway. And no one will appreciate your unnecessary sacrifice.

Lack of self-esteem

You don't feel when someone starts to run over you. Or close your eyes to these little inconveniences. But a rude person will definitely not love and respect you for this. So for what to endure?

  • If someone acts like they don't care about you, that means they don't care about you. AND do not make excuses for the rude person. Respect yourself.

Dependence on the assessment of others

People who pathologically need evaluation and approval subconsciously experience and transmit the feeling that something is wrong with them. A people with whom something is wrong usually no one likes.

  • Stop waiting for praise. You don't have to hear that you are a good person to be. And don't be afraid of criticism. People will judge whether you do something or not. That's why your opinion of yourself should be in the first place.

Searching for a problem only in yourself

You automatically think that everyone is right, just not you. You take responsibility for what is happening around you. They won't say thank you for that. But they can easily play along and add problems.

  • The search for the guilty is generally a thankless task. And constant self-torture will not add to you either love or pity from others. Better to direct your efforts towards finding a solution to the problem.

Self-praise

To list your virtues, begging for respect like charity basic dependency error... By convincing others that you are a good person, you only cause rejection. Even if you are really a very good person.

  • There is a way to show that you are worth something - it is worth something. For this it is important to firmly believe in it yourself... When you know your worth no need to prove anything to anyone.

Fear of rejection

You do not want to offend anyone, even at the cost of your inconvenience. You pretend that everything is good in order to protect others from worrying about what you are uncomfortable with. And as a consequence, you are very often uncomfortable.

  • Don't be afraid to say no. Even the nicest people will use you if you let them. Help only when you want and can help.

Self-Interest Deafness

Are you used to adjust to the needs of others and cannot feel your own desires. You do not decide for yourself, you take the desires of others for yours. From the outside, it looks like an inability to make a decision, like helplessness, but not kindness.

  • Learn to listen to your desires and don't be afraid to offend anyone. Chances are your fears are far-fetched, and you can always find a reasonable compromise.

Lack of acceptable boundaries

You forgive because it's easier for you to forgive than to stand up for yourself. When someone shows disrespect to you, you mentally justify the abuser.


Attention! This is an old version of the article. A newer one with an analysis of what to do in each specific case of strangeness -.

Strange behavior is common. But something else is much “weirder”. “A strange man”, - sometimes we think, passing by and barely noticing something special, out of the ordinary. And other times, the strange behavior of a man or a girl is annoying. What about the weirdness of other people? What to do with them, how to deal with strangers, to put it mildly, "features"?

"Dear Mom and Dad! Uncle Fyodor from Shao-Lin is writing to you. I learned the secrets of non-judgmental judgments, so I have things to do no way “. (c) anecdote

Alas, our whole life is filled with assessments and highly value judgments. We are not only forced to measure ourselves against others and their expectations. We not only exclaim before we check - is everything all right? Alive? Whole? Eagle? Very often we measure others by ourselves.

"What would I be thinking if I frowned like this?"

“What is he doing? Probably this! ”

Automatically, unconsciously, everything that does not fit into our concepts falls into the category of oddities. And just as we “explain” the strange behavior of a cat, a dog - that is, dumb creatures, each of us “explains” for ourselves any oddities in others. This mechanism perfectly protects against an attack by an intruder, from a maniac or just unwanted communication. That is, the desire to identify and try to explain the strange behavior of a man, woman, stranger or colleague is normal and natural.

It's another matter that, unfortunately, frankly harmless things sometimes fall into the category of “oddities” (and hence the labels “stay away”).

One of the gestalt therapists described such a case: there was a group work. The whole group watched tensely the man, who fell into the category of "strange": he stuck his finger in his nose, and then dipped his finger in a glass of water. From the outside it looked (and most of the group then confessed to a similar vision) that he, to put it mildly, was bathing his boogers or drowning them in a glass.

When the “strange man” was finally asked about the oddities in his behavior, the following became clear. It was hot, and thus he got rid of the uncomfortable sensation of dryness in the nose. And I didn't think how it looks from the outside.

The group laughed with relief.

Part one. Strange behavior of people causes discomfort

The strange behavior of a dog or other large animal needs an explanation. If it is explained correctly, a person is able to avoid many problems. He will not be bitten by a rabid animal, for example, he will not hand-feed an angry animal. And that's okay.

Until the strangeness in behavior is explained, their causes are not clarified - strangeness creates discomfort in others. You never know what to expect!

Part two. Behavioral oddities: what to do with them?

In fact, many do not even try to figure out what is behind the weird behavior. The question “how to be” and “what to do” is often decided unilaterally - to break off relations! Run away! For example, the strange behavior of a girl can be explained for herself by the fact that she - b ..., or that she is materialistic, or - “not of this world”. He explained himself - he left himself - he was a fine fellow!

But in fact, as in all primitive situations, the choice here is one of three - to attack, run away, or pretend to be dead.

Attack”Means to legalize the natural force that forced us to pay attention to the strangeness. It is a source of energy. And it can be used for human contact. Like, what's wrong with you, dear friend? Maybe you need help?
An "attack" can also be considered a request to somehow solve their problems in a different way. For example, to pull up pantyhose not in the office, but to go to the toilet for this. Do not talk at the workplace, but go out into the corridor.

True, the result of the "attack" is so-so. Maybe it will, maybe not.

And if as a result “didn’t come out”, “didn’t change” someone will feel slighted - not the fact that next time there will also be an “attack”.

Run away”- means, to give up part of their privileges, their resources, living space so that an outsider with his strangeness does not interfere. It is logical to "run away" from a foul-smelling homeless person in public transport. But, perhaps, it is illogical to "run away" if the child's strange behavior interferes with sleep or work. Or the husband's strange behavior has not been going on for the first day. He is silent, puffs, says nothing. Running away becomes less profitable at some point.

Pretend to be dead”Is perhaps the worst thing that can be done. This is an admission that the other, with his strange behavior, is stronger, more terrible, more dangerous. This means that you no longer give up living space, but part of yourself. Despite moral prohibitions, strange behavior occurs among parents, bosses, and law enforcement agencies. In this case, in order to save earnings, business reputation, life, you have to “pretend to be a hose”. "We do not care!"

For a long time, the strength of the body - mental and physical - is not enough for such a situation. And even if you really want to continue the relationship, to receive the necessary, life-giving warmth from them, if a guy or a girl is the only “light in the window” in this life, you will not be able to withstand the strange behavior of a guy or a girl for a long time without damage to yourself.

Part three. How strange behavior weaves into your life

If you desperately need something from someone - warmth, acceptance, approval, support - and you are strictly convinced that as long as there is only this source of strength, you will tolerate any oddities in the behavior of this subject. Strictly speaking, this is how we did everything in childhood. No matter what dad or mom does, no matter how unfair they are - but where can you go! Physically and mentally, children are dependent on their parents. Even if they drink, beat or “just” devalue the achievements of the children.

But as soon as you have crossed the threshold of majority, it is up to you to decide whether to let strangeness in the behavior of other people into your life. Whether to open up to an annoying neighbor, or whether to call the district police officer to the noisy drunks in the yard. It is up to you to decide exactly how, in what way you will deal with each “weird” situation.

And believe me: as soon as you allow yourself:

a) not always meet the expectations of others,

b) adequately solve every situation where the strangeness and peculiarities of others fit into your life,

you will become much calmer and more tolerant of other people's oddities. In fact, they will cease to be such, and will just become part of the background.

  • As long as you are “turned on”, you will be “turned on”.
  • As long as you react, weirdness will meet you everywhere. Now at work, now at home, now on the road, now in the store.

And vice versa: as soon as you allow yourself to defend your boundaries, there will be an order of magnitude less “these strange people” around.

Where does the wayward behavior of a small child come from? Many people think willfulness in behavior, a manifestation of hereditary, genetic. Grandfather-great-grandfather was like this: authoritative, strong in temperament, with a difficult character. Parents think the child is in it. If so, we must accept. Not really, however.

In the United States, a 2010 series of studies found:

  1. how DNA works,
  2. to what extent the hereditary material present in DNA can be active or passive.

Bottom line. There are many different things in us. But how the information embedded in DNA manifests itself depends on the environment. So, according to a number of psychologists, it is quite possible to change the situation with waywardness, and have an affectionate, caring child following you. You just need to understand what in the environment led to the activation of the traits of willfulness, and remove it all.

Another point of view is not genetics, but upbringing. Willfulness in behavior is brought up under the influence of the environment, our interactions with the baby.

The reasons for the appearance of waywardness in character

Psychologist, Ph.D. E. Sorokina, dealing with the problem of willful behavior, sees the following reasons.

Reason for self-will 1: the child's loss of a sense of security

A child is a vulnerable creature, from birth it depends on relationships with adults. Nature has laid down a long childhood in the development of a human cub because a person matures for a very long time in comparison with other creatures. The child's nervous system takes a long time to develop under the influence of learning. To learn effectively, you need to trust. Trust is formed when a child has a sense of security.

What does it take to feel safe?

Healthy boundaries... Healthy boundaries are essential to building a sense of security. Modern parents often profess the principles of free upbringing. It's a great idea, but we often forget that a child needs rules and boundaries. The free upbringing of young children is like driving at an intersection where there are no signs or traffic lights. What sense of security can there be? Healthy boundaries provide a structure for your baby to navigate safely.

Calm atmosphere. Sometimes we get annoyed, frustrated. It happens to everyone, but we must remember: a child in such a situation is lost.

  1. On the one hand, the situation is threatening, and the child, due to his attachment, must run to the parent for protection and safety.
  2. But the parent himself scares, and the baby activates another instinct - to move away.

Two opposing impulses collided at the level of the nervous system. There was a collision of two instincts. The child does not understand what to do, especially if it is a small child. He falls into a state of stupor, from which he sees no way out except to resist. The adult received a short circuit - tantrum and the most stubborn stubbornness as a result of his irritability.

Reason for waywardness 2: the lingering symbiotic relationship

Symbiosis of mother and child - the ability of the mother to intuitively understand the needs of the baby and to react to them almost instantly.

The symbiotic phase of interaction between mother and child normally lasts up to 5 months. Then, up to 3 years, there is a phased, phase by phase, exit from symbiosis. Gradually, the child builds up autonomy, and by the age of 3, the autonomy process should be completed.

What happens if the child does not become an autonomous person?

  1. Toddler Delays Infant Illusion of Omnipotence.

A phenomenon that is directly related to wayward behavior. In infancy, the mother feels the child through symbiosis, reacts very accurately and quickly. This is wonderful in a certain period of development, because it lays a basic trust in the world, a sense of well-being.

But then the child grows, desires become more and more. And not all desires stem from his needs. An example of willfulness: I want the moon from the sky, I want 148 cartoon. Even cooler: I want to ride a neighbor's dog. True, no one approaches her - they are afraid. But I want to ride it now, period.

Gradually, there is an increase in intellectual development, understanding: in fact, I am small, but the world is big. “I can’t do everything” - this is the first point to get out of the illusion of omnipotence. But the mother did not come out of symbiosis, does not see that the baby has grown up, continues to treat him like a baby, inhibiting his personal development.

Over time, the child notices: oh, but I have such a skillful, powerful part, such a cool third hand, like my mother. She can do almost anything for me. It remains only to learn how to properly manage it in order to get what you want.

Strictly speaking, this is where the "roots" of manipulation grow. What does the child start to do? Begins to apply the maximum of his strength to increase the control of the mother.

It begins: Mom, come here, do as I said. And then the emerging willfulness prompts:

  1. turn up the volume when you don't immediately react,
  2. increase the "calculation" of situations when mom has a small resource, it is hard for her to refuse, it is easier for her to agree to your demands.

The most important thing is that a child with willfulness begins to spend the natural reserve of energy in the wrong place, which he needs for development. Instead of development, he learns to manipulate and control.

In principle, the rejection of omnipotence is a rather painful and conflictual process. But it is necessary to initiate independent motivation for learning, for research, for development. Without normal motivation, there will be no normal learning opportunity.

Only when the baby, overcoming his waywardness, begins to realize his imperfection, he wants to improve his knowledge, skills and abilities. It starts to move in this direction.

Mom needs to buy the ability to refuse a baby... To refuse is insanely insanely difficult, painful, scary, sorry. But this is a chance not to cultivate self-will in the character of the child.

  1. The child does not perceive the mother as a support

To move, learn, cope, including with disappointment, the child needs support. While the mother is in symbiosis, she is 100% infected by the emotional state of the child.

Reacting to the endless "hochuhs" and "frustrations" of the wayward manipulator about the fact that the moon does not want to move in the direction he needs, she is very heavily overloaded and also loses support. How will she provide support for the baby? A mother in symbiosis is a breeding ground for nurturing waywardness.

  1. The lack of a formed relationship between me and you interferes with the child

Symbiosis raises another insidious problem. Symbiosis is We. And while mom has a baby, he is on the arms - this is normal.

But as soon as the child learns to walk (which means to play, construct ...), he needs further “guidance”, in following his mother and learning: what is good, what is bad; where possible, where not; as you can, as you can not. For this, "We" must split into emotionally independent personalities: "I" and "You". Then the "I" becomes capable of learning.

This position is formed only when there is a way out of symbiosis. Gradually to come out naturally. Because there is such a parental mistake, seeing the addiction of a child, they say: well, everything, from tomorrow you will be independent. It is impossible to end the symbiosis this way. It is not decided by a volitional decision.

But children with willful behavior did not go through this stage of separation. They cannot even physically follow their mother, they run away, they have to be caught all the time.

Learning is the psychological following of an adult. A child with a wayward character needs to learn the following:

  1. not to fight with the rules, but to perceive them;
  2. perceive the social culture in which he lives in order to adapt and be successful in this world,
  3. because without adaptation, there will be no success.

Reason for self-will 3: emotional overload of parents with feelings of guilt, anxiety, fear

Often, in the mother's role, these feelings interfere with us: I do something wrong, I do not do enough, what they think of me, my child does not behave like that. Fear that something might happen to the child: I will not oversee, I will refuse, but he is out of his frustration ... something will happen to him. And so on to cosmic infinity.

Irritation is a frequent companion of parents' nervous overload. Especially if the child has a strong type of nervous system. His willfulness in character is manifested o-ho-ho!

Where does emotional overload come from?

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